So you decided to spend your spring break on the monstrosity of a mousetrap that is your everyday, run-of-the-mill cruise ship. In exchange for a little more than three bills, you’re compensated for five days of alcohol-fueled sexual deviance on a giant, floating cesspool of disease.
Let’s first acknowledge that for some of you, this will be a one-way trip. On average, 217 people die per cruise — and that number is exponentially higher during the college ragefest that is the month of March.
Again, I’m normally not one to dish out advice on how you should go about your business. However, I make an exception when it’s a life or death scenario. If I can prevent just one person from relentlessly smashing yardstick margaritas at Señor Frogs, carelessly trusting some homeless drug dealer, and having his organs harvested with a rusty butter knife, I’d have done my job with this column. There’s no honor bleeding out in some back alley of Nassau.
Whether you’re a first-timer or a booze cruise aficionado, here is the official spring break cruise survival guide.
Abstain From Sex
It doesn’t matter if you’re a Greek god carefully chiseled from a slate of marble by the lightning hands of Zeus himself or the kid who still is so self-conscious about his body that he wears T-shirts into the pool, you will practically fall into a vagina on a cruise. Poontang is a courtesy on ships, much like towels shaped into cartoonish animals or the nauseous, seasick buzzkill friend who hurls chunks from the minute he steps on deck.
Reject this hospitality.
Fact: Every broad on a cruise ship has at least chlamydia. They go through a prescreening process in which only those with an STD are approved to board, much like admissions into East Carolina.
You’re only fooling yourself if you really think condoms are the answer. No way you’re that responsible. Thirty seconds of seizing on top of Jamie Lynn from Jacksonville, an active member in the itty bitty titty committee, is just not worth some new, mutant, hybrid string of herpes that will make your dick melt off by the week’s end.
You’re permitted one bottle of wine per passenger. Those are the rules. It’s for your safety, not because they astronomically up-charge all adult beverages and make a killing on your reliance on more alcohol to make the trip bearable, and much less, enjoyable. Sneaking more booze in via mouthwash, sunscreen, shampoo, and conditioner bottles sounds like a no-brainer, but you’ll be cursing that Banana Boat tequila when your walking resembles a newborn giraffe’s and you fall overboard to your death.
Besides, you want to remember it, right? “Good times with good friends: Spring Break 2015.” That’s what that girl from Michigan State’s neon tank top said, and those are words to live by. Hit up that rock climbing wall, the movie theater, or rack up some billiards — you know, activities you can only do on a cruise ship. These are the things you’ll be talking about with your boys for years to come, not getting blacked out and judging a twerking contest.
Do Not Leave Your Room
You ever see those investigation shows? Literally every other episode revolves around some unsolved, mysterious disappearance of an individual on a cruise. Trust no one. If you leave your fish tank of a cabin you will be the next subject of a 48 Hours episode. Hell, you’re not even safe in that cabin. Lock yourself in the bathroom and hold your ground.
Don’t even think about sleeping. Do you want to have cinderblock shoes? Do you want to call the bottom of the ocean your home? Exactly. Like Rick from The Walking Dead, you’re not being paranoid, you’re being cautious.
Just Don’t Go On The Cruise
Stay at home and safely binge-watch Friday Night Lights on Netflix. Coach Taylor won’t hurt you. Coach Taylor just wants to make you a better man. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose..
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