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Your Parents Should Have Drank More Booze Before The Divorce, Says Science

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Statistically speaking, 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. FIFTY PERCENT. That’s a heartbreakingly high percentage. It begs the age-old societal question: “What’s the key to a happy marriage?”

Good news, we may have finally found the answer.

New research indicates that there are new things we’ve learned about keeping a marriage alive. Keeping that flame there. What is the one thing can save your marriage? Alcohol.

That’s right, booze can keep marriages alive and well.

The recent scientific study examined the drinking behavior of 2,767 older married couples, all of whom supplied data over 4 years. These researchers used this data and discovered that couples that drink a lot had “decreased negative marital quality over time.” How romantic.

Basically, couples who hit the bottle a lot have more patience for their partner, and are less likely to be disappointed with their actions and/or yearn for more in their miserable, pointless lives. To further prove this point, wives who didn’t drink often reported “increased negative marital quality over time.” See? You NEED that booze to numb the pain of a joyless marriage. If THAT doesn’t give you faith in true love again, I don’t know what will.

Granted, if you wanna be a negative, pessimistic prick, you can argue that this technically doesn’t prove that these couples are “happy”. As a matter of fact, lead author Kira S. Birditt said that married couples who drink a lot are “less irritated- not necessarily happy.” HEY, stop raining on our parade, Kira.

Birditt said “”The effect of alcohol use depends on not only on their own alcohol use but their use of their partners… it’s a couple phenomenon.” So when you tie the knot eventually, grab some whiskey and 2 shot glasses and live happily ever after!

To anyone reading this who is a child of divorce, I have to say, IT WAS YOUR FAULT. You should have made your parents drink more, dumbass.

[via USA Today]

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

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