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Your Grandmas Used to Douche Themselves with Coca-Cola After Banging the Milkman

This is according to ChaCha.com’s slideshow about crazy contraception methods throughout history, but I added the milkman part, because your Grandma was a filthy whore and we all know it! She was givin’ more rides than a downtown trolley!

Apparently in the 1950’s some women believed that douching with Coca-Cola would wash out all the sperm and prevent pregnancy. This method was probably approved by the same doctors who told the world that smooth, silky, unfiltered Marlboro cigarettes were the best smokes on the market to keep your t-zone looking fresh and youthful.

I would’ve liked to work on the marketing campaign for “Douching with Coke: Put the Flavor In and Keep the Fetus Out!”

Unfortunately no commercials exist for this trend, as it was obviously a secret marketing campaign designed to help sell as many Cokes as possible, much the same way I suspect “icing” was secretly created by Smirnoff. Still though, that’s not going to stop me from imagining what one of these 1950’s “Douching with Coke” commercials would have been like.

Fade In:

Woman 1: (looking worried) Oh my, I just don’t know what to do.

Woman 2: What’s the matter, hun?

Woman 1: My husband and I were having our monthly marital night when his prophylactic ripped.

Woman 2: Now that’s one tear you CAN’T fix with the sewing machine!

Woman 1: You’re telling me. I don’t know what to do. We aren’t ready for another child yet, but only communists get (*whispers*) abortions.

Woman 2: Oh darling don’t worry, there’s an easy, sin free, and ALL-AMERICAN solution to your problem.

Woman 1: What’s that?

Woman 2: Coca-Cola!

Woman 1: Coca-Cola?

Woman 2: Coca-Cola. It’s quite simple really. All you need to do is go to your local pharmacy, pick up a feminine hygienic cleaner, a six pack of crisp, refreshing, Coca-Cola and then head home and wash your delicates using what you grabbed at the store!

Woman 1: It’s that simple?

Woman 2: Why yes m’am it is.

Woman 1: Well how does it work? Why can’t I just use water?

Woman 2: Because Coca-Cola’s all natural flavors, along with its bubbly goodness, ensure that fertilization is prevented. It’s all in their secret ingredients!

Woman 1: Well what if I used Pepsi-Cola? Would that work?

Woman 2: Oh heaven’s no. Not only will Pepsi increase the odds of pregnancy, but there’s a better than good chance that your baby will come out retarded, or even black!

Woman 1: Oh my!

Woman 2: Stick to Coca-Cola. Its bright, bubbly, all natural flavors are just what you need to take care of any unwanted pregnancy.

(*Woman 2 hands Woman 1 a bottle of Coca-Cola*)

Woman 1: THANKS COCA-COLA!

Fade Out

I would like this to be on an episode of Mad Men as soon as possible.

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