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Your (God Damn) Independent Student Newspaper

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If there’s one thing that goes hand in hand with Student Government elections every year, it’s a massive horde of GDIs rushing the polls hoping to take the dominant Greeks out of power. And behind these skinny-jean wearing bongo playing geeds is none other than the campus student newspaper, supporting their idiotic claims.

A little background: today at the University of Florida we have the time-honored tradition of Greeks completely embarrassing the lowly Geed Party in the SG elections. And what should grace the soiled pages of “The Independent Florida Alligator” (our “newspaper”) but a near-endless stream of senseless and factless Greek bashing propaganda.

Check out this article if you don’t believe me. In this highly opinionated piece (which ran on the sports page, for some reason), the author proceeds to accuse Greeks of violating the first amendment, and likens us to a dictatorial empire.

I’m extremely sorry you didn’t get a bid, Mr. Watts, but that does not give you a legitimate excuse to completely shit on the credibility and integrity of your publication. We flip through your “newspaper” on the shitter every morning with hopes of finding out a little about what’s going on in the world, not to hear your pathetic slants and desperation.

You go on to say that “Less than 5 percent of the enrollment of UF is affiliated with a Greek organization, but nearly 100 percent of SG is controlled by fraternities and sororities.” Last time I checked, that was a compliment and not the thinly veiled insult you tried to make it. It isn’t our fault that we’re organized, and can motivate our supporters to actually vote. Maybe if the GDIs on campus would leave the drum circle and put down the bong long enough to fill out a ballot you’d actually have a chance?

If you paid as much attention to reporting the facts as you did tarnishing your journalistic credibility, then maybe your paper’s number one use on campus wouldn’t be kindling for bonfires. It’s about time you took your responsibilities as journalists a little more seriously.

I’m here to tell you why we always win: we are, actually 100% better than you. Our connections far surpass the ones you receive writing for free in the piss-stained rag you pass to the public as “news.” Maybe the reason that we win year after year isn’t because we force pledges to pass out fliers and actually manage to rally our supporters. Maybe it’s because we’re the go-getters on campus, the ones who have actual leadership experience, and the people that will eventually become your bosses.

Actually, scratch that, I would never hire someone associated with something so pathetic.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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