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Your Foolproof Guide To Getting Her To Go Down On You

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Girls are fickle. You know this, I know this, everyone knows this. We’re a special breed, a strange specimen, a black hole of crazy. And though we’re often hard to read, hard to understand, and as that annoying country song goes, often hard to love, we’re not all bad–you know, because we give blow jobs…but only sometimes.

So, in an effort to get you a little more lovin’ than you’re used to, I’m going to let you in on a few little secrets:

Do: Go down on her first. If you want it done to you, you have to do it to her first. It’s really as simple as that.
Don’t: Convince her to go down on you first with the promise that you’ll “return the favor” right after…and then fall asleep before she gets her turn. She’ll either kill you in your sleep or never go down on you again. Don’t test it.

Do: Keep things clean.
Don’t: Go full Ken doll. You’re a man. Look like one.

Do: Ask nicely.
Don’t: Push her head down.

Do: Offer encouragement and tell us what you want. A little direction is appreciated. We will literally do (almost) anything in order to get it over with faster.
Don’t: Tell us we’re doing it wrong.

Do: Speed up the process in any way you know how. We don’t care if you close your eyes and think about someone other than us. Just finish in a hurry.
Don’t: Tell us if you’re thinking about someone else.

Do: Treat her well. If she’s in a good mood, she’s more than likely to want you to be happy as well.
Don’t: Try to bribe her. Just because you paid for dinner, it doesn’t mean that she owes you head.

Do: Tell her when you’re finishing. Surprising her with a mouthful of bodily fluids will get you slapped.. and banned from BJs for life.
Don’t: Expect her to swallow. If she spits, she spits. Don’t take offense, it’s a personal preference–and one that’s not yours to make.

Do: Act excited. Moan, grunt, do whatever. Just please make some sort of noise.
Don’t: Sit there in silence like some sort of bumbling idiot.

Do: Thank us once it’s over. Blow jobs are a lot of work. Anyone who says otherwise is either doing it wrong or a fucking liar.
Don’t: Act like we owed it to you.

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From Rush to Rehab

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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