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Guys, relax. Put down the bottle of Addy. Another 20 mg — or another thimble of dove feathers as its known in American, non-communist metrosexual Eurotrash math — isn’t going to help you learn Econ or Poly Sci or whatever. It’s just going to anger the invisible fist that’s already squeezing your heart.
Finals are stressful, yes, but they aren’t as big of a deal as you make them out to be. You know what not studying for finals got me? An extra year of college and a kick ass job. Not only did I avoid having to learn a lesson about literally not learning my lessons, but I was, in fact, rewarded for it. Twice over. If it worked for me, it can work for you too.*
*Results may vary by class, race, and gender.
So go ahead and take a study break. Watch all the episodes from our “Exec Board” series, listed from my favorites to episodes I still like, but slightly less. You’ve earned it…probably. Even if you haven’t earned it, and you’ve spent the last four hours of your Adderall binge chaining cigs, swiping like a madman through Tinder to scout the talent holed up in the library with you, and having only recently re-emerged from a totally pointless, hours-long reading rabbit hole you dove into after you decided to do research on if the Pope really tried to kill Hitler, just say screw it and watch anyway.
Episode 3, Courting Trouble
The fraternity tries to earn a little bit of legitimacy in the eyes of their alumni and the school by pairing with a good sorority so they can hopefully win homecoming. Unfortunately they have a few obstacles to overcome, primarily their own extreme negligence, alcohol fueled incompetence, and general aggressive debauchery.
President: Listen, I know that we have a party house rep…
Sorority President: A rep? It’s more than a rep. One time I saw two of your guys salt the rim of a bong with cocaine.
Episode 9, Fratfields & McCoys
In war, truth is the first casualty. In frat war, it’s probably a pledge.
Brandt: (hits golf ball at rival house) EAT TITLEIST YOU SQUID FUCKS.
Pledge Caddy: Nice shot sir!
Brandt (to pledge) Shut up.
Episode 4, Minutes & Anals
The only thing more absurd than chapter notes? The chapter finances. Treasurers… those poor, poor bastards.
Treasurer: Guys, pay your dues. Just because we are Greeks does not mean we have to conduct our business with the fiscal accountability of the country Greece.
Episode 7, Pledge Education Reforms
The house’s pledge ed proves there is, in fact, such a thing as being too good at your job.
Pledge Ed: (to pledges) You think those anger management classes cured me!?! NOTHING CAN CURE ME! I HAVE RAGE AIDS! Consider yourselves all the dad from the Brady Bunch… EXCEPT NO ONE’S SEWING A QUILT FOR YOU.
Episode 1, Risk Mismanagement
Being the social chair is fun. Being the president sucks ass.
Greg: Kyle do we have any unfinished business from last week?
Kyle: Well we should but your exact words were, “Burn these minutes, no one can know why we were banned from the March of Dimes parade.”
Greg: Yeah, well, what about the name “March of Dimes” conveys, at all, that it’s a charity that helps babies.
Brandt: Hey, don’t blame yourself. We all thought that was going to be a stripper parade.
Greg: And, yet, even after we realized it wasn’t… we just kept throwing those beads at pregnant ladies.
Episode 10, Knockout Punch
The house realizes that serving mass amounts of grain alcohol at parties is probably a terrible idea.
Greg: I haven’t drank this yet. How strong is this stuff?
Hamilton: I don’t know. I didn’t wanna get that drunk at the last party so I just had a 30 rack of Busch.
Episode 2, Incorrect Politcalness
The vice president wants desperately to be president. Also, fraternity meetings are such a mess that if Robert, from Robert’s Rules of Order attended one, he’d blow his brains out.
Brandt: Then, I motion we vote, on making the decision to re-open old business… possible?
Greg: THAT’S VOTING TO VOTE ON VOTING! GOD!
Episode 8, Probational Incorrectness
The exec board goes over how to keep the chapter out of trouble on social media.
Kyle: Outrage is just hot right now.
Greg: It’s true. It’s a way to get attention that doesn’t require talent or intelligence.
Episode 5, Mis and/or Phil-anthropy (Part 1)
The fraternity sells “Legalize Cocaine” tank tops for a children’s charity.
(True story, as we stood on the porch of that fraternity house, in the middle of UT’s campus, screaming “Legalize Cocaine”, the entire cast and crew became quickly convinced that we were about to get that fraternity kicked off campus. They were not, thankfully.)
Keller: WEED IS FOR GEEDS! LEGALIZE COCAINE!
Episode 6, Mis and/or Phil-anthropy (Part 2)
The fraternity somehow manages to avoid trouble with the Greek Life office despite a recent party’s “offensive” theme.
Greek Life Coordinator: We still have the issue of your party’s theme.
President: What about a Viking themed party is offensive!? That was the whitest party theme we could think of!
Greek Life Coordinator: The campus PETA chapter, for starters, had concerns that the horns on the Viking helmets were real animal horns.
President: They were all plastic helmets from Party City, and that PETA chapter has had it out for us ever since we counter-protested their anti-meat rally with a veal barbecue, so….