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You Don’t Scare Me, Argentina

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That’s right, you Nazi refugee babies — you don’t scare me. Not one bit. The whole “superior race engineering” must not have gone to plan, as the best part of you was clearly left in those SS test tubes; otherwise you wouldn’t all be 5’3″. I’m supposed to be impressed by the athletic prowess of a goobier looking Frodo Baggins? I doubt Messi even makes it past security at NRG. “Let’s go find your parents, little man.”

Over the last century-plus, the best athletes in your country’s history have brought home a whopping 18 gold medals total, equaling an un-retired Michael Phelps. The United States has 50 Super Bowls. Argentina? That would be a big old goose egg. Our general sports dominance over you jamokes suddenly makes the Falkland Islands conflict look like a respectable fight. Maybe lay off the soybean-heavy diets.

Now I get that this is a soccer match in Houston, and historically that sport favors you low-center-of-gravity people. What we see as a “neat” change of pace from a grueling summer full of nothing but baseball, is all you poor bastards have to hold onto. I guess when your infrastructure is crumbling around you and the government defaults for the 178th time in the last decade, kicking a ball or tin can around, or watching someone else do it, is a happy distraction.

But none of that matters. Not today. Sure, our entire starting lineup is essentially suspended thanks to the Copa refs having a grade school Valentine’s Day “if you’re going to give a card to one person, you have to give a card to everyone” mentality, but that just means we’re locked and loaded with fresh legs and low expectations. We’re playing with house money as you’ll sleepwalk through the motions, and that has all the makings of an upset.

So overlook us, you southern hemisphere Hitler heirs. We’re coming for that light-skinned hispanic ass.

Update: Argentina 4, United States 0

Whatever. Get back to me when you walk on the moon, Argentina. At least I don’t have to pretend to care about soccer for another two years.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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