If there is one thing we all share, it is our undying commitment to the ideals we hold sacred. We know what our goals are. We know whom we want to associate with. We know which girls we will allow into our bedrooms, and which girl we will buy a ring for. And, on the topic of this column, we know exactly what we want out of our government. Naysayers and GDI’s call this commitment to beliefs closed-minded and stubborn. I think I speak for all of us when I say that they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Liberals tend to paint us as ignorant and out of touch, and support this by portraying conservatives as backwoods, ill informed plebeians who blindly support anyone chanting “USA!” while holding a gun. This misconception is so far off base, it’s almost comical. That’s why it is up to us to prove that the most dangerous threat to the liberal agenda is a well-spoken, well-read fraternity man.
We have known for years that fraternities breed excellence, whether it is in government, business, entertainment or general awesomeness. Public service is a noble effort that fraternity men not only participate in, but also happen to dominate. 76% of all Congressmen and Senators belong to a fraternity. 40 of 47 U.S. Supreme Court Justices since 1910 were fraternity men. Thirteen Presidents were at some point in the same place we once were, lying in a puddle of mud (and more unmentionable content) on bows and toes being pelted by empty beer cans praying that they could finish their pledgeship, having no idea that they would go on to commandeer the greatest country the planet has ever seen. Saying all of this, I think we can all agree that while America is still great, we cannot help but shudder at the direction it appears to be going. Democrats and Republicans alike have been spending us into debt for decades, leaving us with the burden of running a country that – if it were held to the standards of business – is on the verge of bankruptcy and unworthy of investment. This is a travesty that is now our responsibility to fix. That is why this column is my official announcement of my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.
Now, I know what you’re immediately thinking. How is “Sterling Cooper” going to run for president? He’s a college student. You have to be 35 years old to legally run for the presidency. This is true. However, the law also states that you have to be 21 to drink and 18 to own a gun, and I’ve been violating that shit since grade school, so don’t bother me with semantics. Moving forward, I would be remiss if I did not offer a solid platform to run on. I can’t get your votes and, more importantly, your campaign contributions if you don’t know where I stand on the issues.
Foreign Policy- In the words of a wise man, “I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.” So, to be brief, here’s the plan: If we get attacked, we haze the fuck out of the perpetrators until they don’t have any caves left to hide in. As I’m sure the hundreds of alumni serving in our military can attest, fraternity men tend to get the damn job done. As far as allies go, they’re great, but let’s not rely on them. I like the British. Their accents are fun and they make a mean suit, but if I’m counting on someone to back my ass up, I’ll take Johnny over Nigel all fucking day.
Domestic Policy- Let’s be honest. There are a select few in this country who need our help because they can’t provide for themselves. The guy who bought his TV with welfare money and sits around watching My Name is Earl marathons for hours while drinking a 40 of Bud Ice is not that person. I don’t have room to go into specific structural changes, but let’s just say that those “undesirable” jobs being taken by illegal immigrants will fill up faster than a GDI runs to an Old Navy sale once I’m finished with the welfare system.
Illegal Immigration- Refer to the previous paragraph. No demand for jobs, no fence jumpers. (Unless you can cook or look like Salma Hayek. Then by all means, please feel free to move here.)
Sports- As a rule, I’m against government intervention in sports. Why the hell is Congress investigating steroids when our national debt is higher than most countries’ GDPs combined? However, I will make one exception. There needs to be a playoff system in college football. Not to make it fair for the non-automatic qualifiers, but to make them shut the fuck up. If Boise State gets a playoff spot and is subsequently given the football equivalent of a Tomahawk missile up the ass by a real football school, then we don’t have to hear any more stupid “What if” scenarios during bowl games. When elected, this will be a top priority, slightly below punching terrorism in the chode and banning all restrictions on the time and place where liquor is sold.
Men, we are in a prime place to fix this clusterfuck we have been handed. We have the money and connections to make this happen if we simply put our heads together and concentrate our resources. If I am elected, say goodbye to appeasement, subsidies, bailouts, handouts, and handjobs, because they’ll be gone forever. And in the place of a broken system, we will build a country where the government is small and efficient, the greatest men make the decisions, the beer flows like wine, and the women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. So in November 2012, wake up, put your big boy pants on, take a shot or two, grab your slampiece (because they can totally vote these days), go to the polls, and make Sterling Cooper your official selection. Let’s say fuck you to “Yes We Can” and hello to “Nice Try…Now Give It Back.”
Sorta relevant, really awesome: