No one else has the testicular fortitude to say it, so I will: Cancer is bad.
Dating back to at least 2004, men from all four corners of the globe have participated in Movember. This cultural phenomenon, otherwise known as “No Shave November,” aims to increase male health awareness, particularly towards prostate cancer, and to finish the job that Russell Crowe couldn’t.
You would think that a bunch of strapping young fellas sporting mean Selleck ‘staches would be a smash hit with anyone who doesn’t have a sarcoma fetish.
/Googles “cancer porn.”
//Wonders why no one has made the porno The Hung and the Hairless yet.
///Starts writing script, “Oh daddy I’ve been a bad girl, spit on my ass and tell me I have a 6-month life expectancy!”
////Awaits imminent fortune.
However, Movember has more than once drawn the ire of a few sexually overwhelmed women, and that is because all women are evil.
May I introduce you to Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr), who has come up with a sarcastic, feminine response to Movember. It’s a slap in the dick-tip to male anti-cancer activists everywhere.
“Decembeaver is a month where we stop shaving our muffs…for cancer!”
Spare me the whole, “Even if this wasn’t simply a joke, guys do it, so why can’t we?” feminist mumbo-jumbo routine. Your muff and my face are not the same. Here’s why:
1) The disparity in per-cubic inch hair distributions is quite large. My beard had more gaping holes than a Cantonese whore house. Much less dense than your brillo pad.
2) Unlike men, a girl’s lady parts area is supposed to look like it has cancer: bald, feeble, and bedridden. What these monsters are advocating is for women to put the “hairy” back in “hairy cell leukemia.”
3) Gender roles say so. We are burly, broad-shouldered men of testosterone who collect firewood, chew tobacco, and SPARE THE LIVES OF NEITHER THE WEAK-MINDED NOR SPIDERS THAT INVADE OUR BATHROOMS.
4) Hairy vaginas? Ewwww.
In closing, I think Mike Gundy said it best:
Oh, and cancer is a serious disease that is nothing to joke about.