Some people are brothers of Pi Kappa Alpha. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Pi Kappa Alpha. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.
Fraternity: Pi Kappa Alpha
The masses have been clamoring for the disembowelment of you pencil-thin-chinstrap rocking, backwards-fitted-hat wearing, flavored-vodka-drinking toolsheds since I started this series and it’s really no secret why. You’re easily the biggest contributor of content for Fail Friday. Just when we think you’ve reached the peak of douche mountain, you somehow keep climbing, reaching new heights previously unimaginable. I believe it’s actually required by international bylaws that all pledges must have either a set of diamond stud earrings or an “Only God can judge me” tattoo before being initiated, with both being strongly encouraged.
We’re talking here about the type of morons that jerk off with creatine-infused lube, believing it’ll turn their limp tuna cans into fully-throttled hogs. Just think of all that water retention! They’re top heavy individuals that half-rep their way into self-absorbed, un-ironic Instagram accounts that serve as unwanted physical fitness progress reports and an encyclopedia of cliché hashtags to everyone that foolishly throws them a follow. On the off chance that you actually see them in a shirt, pikes dress like the hype men in the background of a Mac Miller music video. Black mid-calf socks with the Air Jordan flip flops? Fire look, dude. Especially for the bars.
Speaking of which, “True Pikes” avoid the abuse of alcohol and drugs. You really try to hit home with that on your values, mentioning countless times the preservation of sound mind and body. Got to make sure both you and your brothers are pristine physical specimens to overcompensate for an influx of insecurities. Now obviously, HGH and clear alcohols are the exceptions to the rule. Look good, feel good, play good. How else are you going to back alley prison pummel some frat rat for the most disappointing thirty seconds of her life?
I’m also picking up on a weird “anti-obese” agenda by nationals. PIKE prides itself on being full of men you are supposedly scholars, leaders, ATHLETES, and gentlemen, but what about the funny fat guy that lacks all of these qualities? What kind of fraternity are you really without these valuable staples of fraternal organization? The Blutos of the world. I see one in this column’s featured image, but did that chapter go rogue? Has to be a legacy, right? Every other brother in that picture is wearing a cutoff tee.
225 Chapters that were the sole reason the Zac Efron DJ movie that looked less enjoyable to watch than witnessing your grandfather and his colostomy bag receive a sponge bath right before Thanksgiving dinner was able to make the $1.8 Million on opening weekend that it did. Of course they not only saw that fucking genocide to cinema, it’s now in their top three movie list behind Scarface (despite never seeing the film in its entirety) and The Expendables II.
225 chapters chock-full of kids that spin the ones and twos in a nearly empty venue on Monday nights, but act as if they’re playing a show in front of thousands at Ultra, taking no requests and jumping around like a panicking seal narrowly trying to escape a Great White’s jaws of death.
At the University of Virginia by Frederick Southgate Taylor, his cousin, and four of their buddies I guess out of sheer boredom. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from my research. My interpretation is that Taylor just turned to Tazewell on March 1, 1868 and went “Hey, you want to start a secret society?” in which his cousin responded “Fuck it, we got nothing else going on.”
Literally no other explanation is provided. There was no giant blowout after voting for the president of the acapella club, or some tiff with school administration over where they could hold their drum circle poetry meetings that led to the formation of PIKE, they simply just wanted something to pass the time. Extremely inspiring stuff.
That might explain why the organization essentially went under after about two decades. PIKE was all but dead before Theron Hall Rice, Howard Bell Arbuckle, Robert Adger Smythe, and John Shaw Foster revived this lifeless, empty shell of a fraternity and reorganized the whole damn thing at the Hampden-Sydney Convention in 1889. We could be living in a PIKE-less world now if it wasn’t for these assholes. You can only imagine how much better the quality of life would be without these mouth breathers in garnet and gold coming together in unison, but that’s all we can do: imagine.
Famous Brothers That Suck:
Jim Parsons. There’s a plethora of terrible people out there: murderers, rapists, pedophiles, etc. But if you enjoy the Big Bang Theory, you’re atop that list. Parsons has robbed actual talented comedic actors from Emmys year after year with his unbearable performance in the laugh-track-dubbed-over holocaust of a CBS, and now syndicated, show. I guess most people just want to see the world burn.
EJ Manuel. Former first round pick that just lost his starting job to Tyrod Taylor, a guy that could barely play quarterback at the collegiate level for Virginia Tech.
Why Your Fraternity Might Not Suck:
Scott Van Pelt, Jeremy Piven, Tim McGraw (when he acts), Jon Stewart, and Kyle Orton.
From The Horse’s Mouth:
PIKE alum here. Went to our international convention in ’12. University of Tennessee chapter won an award for being an awesome chapter so our chapter advisor insisted we sit next to them at one of the dinners. Dudes were some of the biggest boners I’ve ever met, and the whole time me and the brothers from my chapter were wondering how the hell these guys were getting a best chapter award.
It was maybe 2 months later their whole butt chugging incident happened, and I was not surprised at all. Winning an awesome chapter award and then getting busted for butt chugging has to be the most PIKE thing ever, sadly.
One of our brothers transferred to a nearby college and claimed he had talked to the national headquarters about starting a new chapter. The college administration approved it without checking into it and he began to operate as president. He had every potential pledge under him and would initiate them at the end of the semester. He operated his “chapter” for two years until he graduated. Once he left all the members found out they weren’t actually brothers and there wasn’t even a chapter.
Every toilet paper dispenser on campus has “pike bid dispenser” scratched onto it. As a pike myself, I have to admit, it’s not too far off.
Definitive Reason You Suck
Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Sigma Alpha Epsilon
In case you missed the others: