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Why You Shouldn’t Care About The 2016 Election

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The 2016 election is the biggest piece of trash the American media machine has squeezed out in a long time. Usually, I’ve got no problem voting the thin red party line, even if the candidate eats babies. Screw Team Blue, am I right?

But 2016 is different. 2016 is the end of American politics as we know it. I’m going to let you in on a little secret the GOP and DNC don’t want you to think about: No matter who is elected in 2016, America is fucked.

Do you know why?


We no longer have a say in who runs our country. Money does. The greatest country on Earth has been reduced to choosing its leaders based on the lesser of two evils. By “lesser of two evils,” I mean “the candidate who doesn’t smile while sucking Satan’s dick.” The fact that it’s down to Trump or Hillary makes us all look very dumb as voting citizens. One of these two turds will stain the porcelain throne of America forever.

This election is a heavyweight smash-fest between a thoroughly used Fleshlight and a dildo with dead, corroded batteries. In the Blue corner! Hillary, the personification of pure evil and corporate whoredom. In the Red corner! Trump, the Fukushima of finance and champion of all things stupid.

I honestly can’t believe this shit is real. Such a perfect blend of comedy and tragedy. The two choices are at opposite extremes of horrible and neither one deserves to be on the ballot. I’m disgusted that this is what my great nation has devolved into.

This is not the first time the GOP has fumbled in the redzone. They can’t seem to pull a decent candidate out of their clown car primary system and the Donald has trumped even the GOP this time around. The GOP still desperately clings to creepy Ted serial killer Cruz. At least Bernie bit the bullet and finally endorsed Hillary (the plan all along).

Cruz, Kasich, and Bush are still playing tug-o-war with each other’s dongs in hopes that Trump will drop out in the final hour because his presidential campaign is just a scam to triple his net worth by selling a bunch of dumb Trump paraphernalia to trailer park people. I feel completely alienated as a Republican. My party offers me no reprieve and they leave me with Trump as my champion in the fight against the great dragon. WTF is this bullshit, GOP? Why have you forsaken me?

This whole election is a circle jerk that’s manifested into reality. Luckily, I have faith that neither of these puppets really matter. If elected, Trump would just turn America into Trump TV and Hillary would get morbidly obese from sucking SuperPAC dick all day long. That’s it. Nothing else will happen. Business will go on as usual because business runs everything, especially governments.

The people who really run things are making a wager for 2016. That’s what this election is all about. They’re testing the limits of what we’ll tolerate. They’re checking to see how dumb we really are. We’re heavily armed, after all. We’re not a people that historically tolerates a high degree of government fuckery.

The two parties are just two arms of the same puppeteer, keeping us endlessly distracted in the illusory conflict of bullshit politics.

This election is proof that we don’t need paid-off politics anymore. It’s proof that both parties are incompetent — or worse — corrupt to the core. Neither party represents anything that matters anymore. It’s all the same Citizens United blood money.

This election is going to be a supernova of voter alienation. Half the left hates Hillary and half the right hates Trump. The aftermath of this electoral shit storm will tear a schism so deep into both parties, the stupidity will echo throughout elections to come.

In the vacuum created between red and blue, a real third party will finally have room to get its shit together. They are our only hope for any kind of unbiased government in the future. At the very least, a third party would force the GOP and DNC to offer real, meaningful candidates. The trend of choosing the lesser of two evils has got to end. The trend of corporate campaign control has got to go. Trendy private interests are ruining this country.

The 2016 election is unimportant in the present, but infinitely valuable for the future. 2016 will set the stage of hatred necessary to propel a third party into inevitable relevance. In November, I’m voting for Gary Johnson, not because I particularly give a shit about Gary Johnson, but because I hate him the least out of all the possible candidates. If this is how we’re gonna pick our shit, so be it. I choose the least of three evils.

I’d rather use my vote as an act of faith for an alternative, any alternative. I can’t vote for Hillary or Trump and sleep at night, so I guess voting for Johnson is better than not voting at all. A vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for None of the Above. I also like him because he openly calls trump a pussy.

If the Republicans ever want my vote again, they need to fucking earn it. They’ve been taking my votes for granted and I’m sick of it. They obviously didn’t listen to me last time.

I’m voting with my conscience this time, which tells me to avoid electing huge sacks of shit to positions of power. I hate Trump. I really fucking hate Hillary. I can tolerate Gary Johnson.

2016: Vote for tolerance, not hate.

Image via Shutterstock

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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