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Why You Should Dump That Girl From Back Home

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1. Relationship: “The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.” -Merriam-Webster

2. Relationship: “A legal form of prostitution where a female collects money, cars, and other valuable things in exchange for sex.” -Urban Dictionary


Okay, so you got her pregnant. No? Oh, so she already graduated and works full-time making bank while waiting for you. She still has two more years? Ah, so her dad is willing to bring you into the family business. Wait, there is no family business? Alright, so tell me again why you’re dating a girl who doesn’t go here?

One of the best things I ever did for my freshman roommate was convince him to break up with his high school “sweetheart” the first month of college. Yes, she had big tits and an ass I like to imagine was conceived using the genetics of Beyoncé:

J. Lo:

and Jen Selter:

Her parents may have had some money, and she did frequently send him things like cupcakes, video games, and restaurant gift cards to “keep busy” on the weekends. At the end of the day, though, she was still 300 miles away at another school.

Alright, that doesn’t sound too bad. But do you know what is bad? Nightly phone calls with a girl you won’t see in person for weeks instead of hanging out with the people you only have a few years of true freedom with. Having to Skype anytime you want to see tits. Telling a girl at a party, “Sorry, I have a girlfriend,” when she clearly wants to go home with you. PornHub always being the most visited site on your computer. It’s what I imagine celibacy must be like.

You have your late twenties and thirties to suffer through any of that long-distance nonsense, so why do it now when there is a sea of college girls with very low morals crawling around the bars and into your “anything but clothes” parties? If you waste that opportunity, you should just commute.

Let college be the four or five years of your life where you do what you want and not be judged for it in the future. It’s a time to learn what you like and don’t like in a girl while testing the water. Ass or boobs? How else will you truly know your preference? It doesn’t have to be goodbye to that girl back home, but rather “I’ll see you next summer” or “I’ll be home over winter break.”

There’s nothing wrong with having a girlfriend your final year (read: semester) of college, because yeah, you’re going into the real world and that’s what real world people do (apparently). Don’t let your parents try to persuade you with their love story, because the times are changing…in our favor.

Why count down the days until you see her when you can count the minutes it takes for that Chi O to finish her yogurt and walk two houses down Greek Row?

You’re only hurting yourself. It’s not easy to get back into the game when that girl you approach at the bar learned back in college the “goldfish in your room” is really just your average-sized frock.

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