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Why The Brits Can’t Handle Greek Life

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For those lucky enough to have missed the memo, TLC recently began a new television series highlighting five vapid, oblivious American sorority girls attempting to make the United Kingdom’s first “official” sorority. When I say “official” I really mean “complete fucking joke.”

This could be the xenophobia talking, but I personally think that those filthy redcoats have no business stepping on our good old-fashioned American institutions. After watching the show, however, all of my fears were instantly relieved. The English will never be able to do the almighty institution of Greek Life justice, and this feeble, made-for-TV attempt at creating a “sorority” will inevitably fail. Let’s examine why, other than the obvious reason that TLC picked out five of the most heinous, attention-starved, stereotypical sorority girls in America to start a manufactured “sisterhood.” The whole show looks like a British prequel to “Baseball Wives.”

No Tradition

One of the most amazing things about American Greek Life is the deep-rooted tradition. We hear stories about all the accomplishments and debauchery of our respective founders in both fraternities and sororities, and feel the need to honor and surpass them. We see the signatures on the bedposts, stamped with a year far before your own birthdate, and we feel a connection to our school’s history.

Let’s face it, we Americans have been doing this whole Greek thing for a long time, and it’s safe to say we’re pretty damn good at it. You can’t expect five moderately attractive (but horrifically annoying) sorority girls to hop off the boat and instantly train these brutish looking Brits to skate the fine line between American class and debauchery. There isn’t going to be any “My Fair Lady” scenario here. None of these spotlight-seeking Brit-brats are going to end up resembling anything close to a real sorority woman. At the end of the day these geed Eliza Doolittles will still be saying “Ello guvnah, are ya wantin’ tuh go tuh me formal wiff me,” so to speak.

No Tailgating

Tailgating, nearly as much as a quality Greek Town/Row/Village, is the centerpiece of any good Greek system. Oh wait, there isn’t a Greek system in England, just the one completely fake sorority. Regardless, I’ll keep playing along. Assuming Greek Life actually attempted to take off in England, a lack of tailgating would be a major detriment to its credibility.

A school’s football team does not need to be good for the tailgates to be fun, just ask Ole Miss. In fact I’d argue that a BAD football team almost makes tailgating MORE ridiculously enjoyable, but that’s beside the point. There just needs to be a place and reason to tailgate. Universities without a decently sized football program generally do not have the same caliber of Greek Life as those that do.

Now, the British have their own “football,” this is true, and those uneducated on the sport might argue that a soccer match could be just as easily and enjoyably tailgated as a college football game. On the surface, assuming you don’t know anything about English soccer culture, this is valid. However there is no soccer tailgating tradition in the United Kingdom. There are many reasons for a lack of soccer tailgating, the first being that the Brits simply have different traditions. Generally, English Premiere League fans spend their pregame in pubs near their home stadium, drinking in excess and singing ancient, unintelligible fight songs. That actually sounds pretty frat, but it isn’t tailgating, and the get-togethers are relatively small.

There are only small gatherings in small pubs, because in the UK, and specifically in London, space is limited. There simply is not room to hold a major tailgate in England, as most stadiums are located in cramped urban areas. Large tailgates are, for the most part, physically impossible. One also has to consider the fact that putting large groups of rabid, drunken, British hooligan fans together will result in some pretty impressive soccer riots on a regular basis. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my time in Greek Life it’s this: getting stabbed is NS.

They’re Kind of Ugly

Okay, so I might be generalizing a bit here, but it’s hard to argue with what you see. English people just aren’t quite as attractive as their American counterparts. Who knew that a bunch of uptight, Puritan, chastity belt enthusiasts would eventually breed such an attractive country? And yes, this is me ignoring the high percentage of obese Americans. Thankfully Greeks tend to not suffer as much from that American epidemic.

English girls can be quite the enigma, because some of them actually appear hot at first glance. And those accents…dios mio, so hot. That said, I still prefer a charming southern twang. That’s just me though, because when you see the unkempt hole that beautiful English accent is coming from, the attractiveness fades. Newsflash: if your teeth resemble a stack of broken scaffolding, it may be time to invest in your dental hygiene. They used to say the sun never set on the British Empire. That’s a shame, because I’d only fuck these wannabe duchesses in the pitch-blackness of the darkest night. Physical attractiveness holds about 90% importance for me, but those shitty teeth are enough to take any girl from a 9 to a 6.

Believe it or not, despite the tone of this article, I’m actually sort of happy the English have tried to experiment with bringing Greek Life to their shores. And by “English,” I of course mean producers on a second rate cable channel, which to date is most famous for exploiting families of midgets. After all, once that shitty TV sorority house closes down, they’ll have to once again admit America’s superiority.

Sorry England, but if you’re going to try to adopt an American tradition, it’s best to start small. Try importing a few dentists first.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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