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Why Guys Send Dick Pics

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A friend of mine recently received a picture of a guy’s penis in her direct message inbox. To the younger generation this is called “getting a dick pic in the DMs” or “sliding into the DMs” which kind of softens the whole thing a little too much. “Dick pic in the DM” sounds like it could be the chorus for next summer’s biggest hit. The “DM slide” could be the next “Watch me whip” except with a really uncomfortable part where guys work themselves into a half chub. I’m actually not that far from reality, “Down in the DM” is a song by Yo Gotti. It’s out there and there’s still a chance that a country band does a “Down in the DM” acoustic cover. What if that song got huge? Suddenly you’re at a wedding and your parents are slow dancing to a song that’s indirectly about a girl going for coffee with her mom, reaching into her purse, and seeing a penis next to a remote control at 4 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. That’s a wild scenario that doesn’t seem so wild when you think about it. That’s why I spell it out a bit – My friend received a picture of male genitalia in her direct message inbox. We need to try and bring the description closer to the gravity of the act. And that’s not for women, that’s for men.

At first, a dick pic seems like the perfect solution to a very big problem. There’s a girl out there for whom you’ve formed some sort of attraction. But you don’t really know her THAT well. Maybe you’ve seen her pictures on Instagram. You liked a couple from way back so she’ll be sure to see it in the notifications. Then she liked some of your pictures – fun ones of you drinking and being awesome. Like prisoners with cells next to one another, you’ve knocked in a specific sequence and she knocked back in the same caring way, and you both followed each other because you’re pretty sure the person on the other end is a “friendly.” BUT, you’ve seen that picture of her hiking. The one where she’s facing the view and she had someone else take the picture. The one that centers around her butt but could be explained to friends and family as a beautiful vista picture. So you’re pretty sure you don’t really “like” this person. But you do know you like that butt. So you don’t want to come with words like, “Hey how was your weekend?” that make it seem like you’re into the girl who likes vistas when you’re REALLY into the girl with that sweet ass. See? This is a huge problem.

So what next? How do you tell a girl that you want to bang without her seeing a whole future of marriage and babies? Well, you’ve got this penis. And he’s not the biggest or the most talented but he’s always come through when it was necessary. You’ve walked the fifteen feet from your locker to the towels at the gym and he hasn’t become a topic of conversation so you’re assuming he’s picture worthy. You take a look around and the lighting is perfect. The room isn’t too well-lit so you’ll probably look a little tan. And EVERYTHING looks better with a tan. You think for a minute about receiving a vagina pic and how that would be the best damn day of your life. How you’d see it and wonder if it was some sort of asian fruit until realizing what just happened. You’d brag to friends and think about telling your parents to let them know how well you’re doing. You’d be a little relieved. The serious relationship is pretty much off the table. The vagina pic story isn’t a good answer to “When did you know she was the one?” And you’d probably think she was a bit nuts but that would be AFTER you’d decide if you’d bang. A vagina pic would be considered honesty, so why wouldn’t a woman feel the same way?

They don’t. Imagine getting pantsed by a buddy in front of a mirror. That’s a horrifying moment. You weren’t ready to see your penis. A pantsed penis is the penis at his worst. He looks disheveled, unkempt, unfluffed. He looks like he just woke up from a nap. And now you’re sitting there looking at your penis with only questions. Is this how people see me? Is this what people think of me? Is my worth this shriveled up mess?

A dick pic to a girl isn’t a plain in simple “Sex? Yes or no?” A dick pic is a shocking moment that becomes a self evaluation. It’s not “Whoa dick! Is he hotter than crazy?” It’s, “Whoa dick? Does he really think I’m that crazy? Do I look crazy?!” That’s not as simple as “sliding into the DMs.” That’s being woken up from a good nap.

Image via Shutterstock

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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