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It was a normal night in Atlantic City for a piece of local Jersey trash like myself. My girl friends and I had spent the day burning our skin to a leathery crisp and needed to drink until we didn’t feel the sunburn anymore. We strapped on our heels, tied on our chokers, and put on our dark lipstick to let everyone know how hard we fuck. Something about being in a casino transforms you into the worst version of yourself. You’re drunk, cocky, and down for whatever. You forget that you have family to not disappoint and friends to respect. It’s a primal place, and those who dance, are the ones who succeed.
We took two steps into the club and scanned the room for prey (that’s why we wear heels, so we can see better). Two guys immediately caught my attention. Yes, they were tall Italian stallions, but that’s not what drew me to them. They were dancing. Not smearing their bodies up against a girl in a pseudo-rhythmic fashion. They weren’t bent over so their faces were resting in the collarbone of their dance partner. They were holding the girl’s hand and had their other arm behind their back, and they were doing little spins and shit. It looked like so much fun. After grabbing G& s, we went straight for the dance floor while I kept them in my peripheral vision. As we got closer, I noticed they were dancing with what looked to be their aunts. Score. I danced with my friends, and, like there was some divine intervention, I turned right into the arms of Dominic as Vincent grabbed the hand of one of my other friends (told you they were Italian) and we danced the night away.
The thing about dancing is, even when it’s not grinding, it’s incredibly sexual. If we know that you can move your body on the dance floor, we want to know how you can move your body on top of our bodies. You don’t need to be a good dancer to get laid, of course. The smoothest talker in the world can still jack hammer for 6 minutes until grunting and throwing a roll of paper towels at us before falling asleep. Fool us once, shame on us. Fool us twice, you probably won’t because we know how you will disappoint us all night long. When you are on the dance floor, it’s hard to get an idea of the size of the boat (unless it’s being rubbed between our butt cheeks), but we can definitely get an idea of the motion of the ocean. Men are usually the more visual gender, but something about seeing a guy dance well can make a girl slide off their seat.
Listen, I’m not saying you have to be the next Gene Kelly or Channing Tatum. You don’t have to take a ballroom dancing elective — although that’s a killer way to meet girls. But at least be able to dance. Be able to confidently get on the floor and give us a spin or two. Do a little side-to-side two step like in Hitch. If you’re standing with your back up against the wall acting too cool to dance, we’ll assume you’ll act too cool to have good sex. Even for something as simple as formal dates, 9 times out of 10 we’ll pick the guy who will dance with us over the guy who will look good in pictures, and you know how girls are with pictures.
Bottom line: if you are trying to get laid, know how to dance without sidling up to some girl until you make contact and hoping she just lets it happen. Or don’t. Whatever. It’s your dick’s funeral..