I am in no way, shape, or form qualified to consult with any fashion designer on how they should or shouldn’t make their clothes. Hell, I’m not even qualified to tell my girlfriend what to wear. I’m just your average guy who has noticed this horrifying trend going on in the world of bikinis, a world that was once dominated by the hybrid thong bikini where asses flow out of them like water at Niagara Falls. Being someone who owns a very strong opinion and has this fine medium through which to express my views, I’d like to discuss with you guys the fashion faux pas that is sweeping the female population.
I am talking about the new craze of high-waisted bikinis that college-aged girls are donning on their rumps (and stomachs) while they take trips to the beach or pool (far left bikini in the photo above, for the academically challenged). If there’s anything we can learn about trends, it’s that just because it’s the new, cool thing, it doesn’t mean that you should jump aboard the hype train. Just look at Crocs, for example. People loved Crocs even though Crocs are ugly. Girls love the high-waisted look, and the high-waisted look is ugly.
Here are the 3 main reasons why I am not a fan of the high-waisted bikini.
They Look Like Something Our Moms Would Wear
When I go to the beach or somewhere where it is acceptable for a girl to be wearing glorified underwear, I don’t want to look at that girl and think, “I’ve seen that look before on a family vacation. Where have I seen it? Hmm… OH GOD MY MOM HAD SOMETHING SIMILAR.” That’s not to say I don’t love my mom — my mother is a saint, and only good words should be spoken of her. I just don’t want to mix imagery when I’m adding pics to a potential image bank to use for later.
Plus, do you ladies really want to be associated with old age? After all, the older you get, the more high-waisted your clothing becomes. You’re really shooting yourselves in the foot with these abominations. If you’re going to go full mom mode, then you might as well stop posting those ass shots to Instagram, too (jk please don’t do that).
Normal Girls Don’t Look Good In Them
You may have seen your favorite celebrity like Taylor Swift or Gigi Hadid sporting one of these babies on their latest social media post. Maybe you have also seen an Instagram model posting shots of themselves wearing these monstrosities. Either way, you’re not them. These girls have the body to pull it off. You do not. Snap me photo proof if you think you can.
The smoking hot supermodels and celebrities who wear high-waisted bikinis spend hours in the gym and tons of cash at the plastic surgeon to get the ass/breast/waist ratio necessary to turn this look into something semi-sexual. Most girls roaming college campuses simply don’t have the resources to come anywhere close to their model counterparts. Most college girls aren’t willing to give up their margaritas and late night pizza for long enough to allow these Pull-Ups disguised as bikinis to look good.
Your Ass Disappears In These Things
It’s like the designer of these things had one intention and one intention only when he made them: to create as many flat asses as possible. Maybe he’s a tits guy and just has a flat-out hatred for ass. I don’t know. All I know is that when a girl who’s well-endowed in the rump region puts on one of these, her butt is gone in sixty seconds. Not good.
Girls will spend hours in the gym perfecting their asses. That’s why, when it comes to clothes, girls like to show off their best assets. If you don’t believe me, then why are you wearing that low-cut top and those yoga pants to class? Because it’s comfy, or because you know you’ll get some looks? Want comfort? Wear sweats or norts. So why waste a good ass by stuffing it in the proverbial locker that is the high-waisted bikini?
Now I know that technically a girl’s clothing isn’t supposed to make my pants feel funny, but let’s get real, ladies. Everyone should abide by the “if you got it, flaunt it” rule. Let’s get back to being cheeky..
Image via Instagram/@TaylorSwift