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Why Some Girls Hate Big Dicks, From A Girl Who Was Hospitalized By One

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First of all, I am not a special breed of girl whose vagina is perpetually locked in virgin position. I am simply an average female who wants nothing to do with big dicks. Honestly, you have probably dated a girl who looks exactly like me and never knew she might straight up hate big dicks.

There are more of us than you think, even if some are pressured into having longer standards than what they actually prefer. If you’re stressing that your member is right at average or a little under, you shouldn’t be.

Sex with a dude that is packing heat is horrible. I have had my fair share of sex related injuries. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I have had more than average. But nothing is worse than having my gyno constantly ask if I am consenting to having sex with these guys because my body can’t handle a monster dick. It goes beyond just walking funny and wincing when sitting down; it’s a full blown medical issue.

Girls who prefer this type of torture are masochists. Sex is supposed to feel good, which is literally impossible when it feels like you’re giving birth. Quickly. Over and over and over again. When a guy is average, however, he can have rough sex and his girl can actually enjoy it. The noises she makes are moans of pleasure (that she’s probably faking, but still) instead of moans of pain. You can go fast without causing excruciating pain and you can go all the way in without her instinctively punching you in the face.

Not to mention the recovery time is substantial. If we’re dating and you literally injure my insides, that’s going to be just as problematic for you as it is for me. Do you think a girl is down to let you inside her bruised love pocket? She’s going to need at least a week before she can take anything without crying. If your libido is more like an every day type of deal, your girl has to be able to want it. Trust me, when a girl is in fetal position with an ice pack between her legs and willing herself to become a lesbian, the last thing she wants is to hurt herself more. It’s like punching a wall, breaking your hand, and then punching the wall again with your freshly wrecked fist. It’s just not pleasant.

And yet, guys are so happy to have a third leg weapon. Ask any girl who has ever stooped low enough to download Tinder. Among the clever and cringeworthy pickup lines are douchebags asking if you like a 9″ cock. No. I do not, gross stranger. While you might be thinking that guys like that are blocked all the time for being disgusting, and therefore that does not apply to decent people, you’re wrong. I have had my guy friends set me up with their friends all the time. Almost every time they will mention how they heard he’s a beast in bed. Which is great, but if you have on good authority that he is in fact 9″ and you tell me, I will immediately friendzone him. I don’t care if he’s a good guy. I don’t want him rearranging my insides.

Another struggle are blowjobs. Blowjobs aren’t exactly fun to begin with, but it becomes a dangerous sport with some guys. I don’t mind giving head. If you can fit comfortably in mouth then go ahead and stick it in. However, when there’s a very real chance that it will gag me, cause me to yack on you, or even fucking murk me, it’s obviously not happening. I don’t care who you are or who your dad is. Your dick is not worth dying for.

Oh, and anal? Guys with a hog can forget about it. I mean, pretty much every guy should forget about it. But if your peen resembles your pinky she’s most likely going to say yes. The point is you should embrace your little dicks. Because in the end, if all else fails, you still have a tongue.

Image via Shutterstock

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blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie is a contributing writer for TSM despite the numerous requests of her termination. She excels at being an underachiever and is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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