Columns

Who’s Talking to the Cops? Part 1

The question “What seems to be the problem officer?” may as well be rhetorical when it’s asked while standing in the open door of a fraternity house. You opened the door, so he just found out what the problem is. While fraternity men don’t necessarily view 70+ underage coeds downing booze like an Irish hobo on St. Patrick ’s Day as wrong, the police tend to see it and get all handcuff-y. Sometimes they don’t even have to see it, you know you’re fucked when you can hear misdemeanors on the other side of a door. No matter why the police showed up to your fraternity house’s doorstep, dealing with them is a tricky situation, and it can’t be left up to anyone. Every fraternity has members who should and shouldn’t be talking to the police. These types of people might vary from house to house, but in general every fraternity has the same group of guys they go to when Johnny Law comes a knockin’, just because the house is rockin’ (with blatantly illegal activity).

Yes, Please Talk to the Cops

The President

I like to imagine that when the Chapter President finds out the police showed up to the house looking for him it plays out like the scene in “The Shawshank Redemption” where the cops come to arrest the warden. It doesn’t, but it totally should. The President is, after all, the one who is truly fucked should anything bad happen at the house. But hey, it comes with the territory. You don’t get the privilege of putting “Chapter President” on your résumé after you graduate for nothing. It’s totally (not really) worth being the person legally responsible for a party serving alcohol to minors more indiscriminately than every bar that exists in the world of “Gossip Girl” (that one’s for you ladies, I look forward to being berated in the comments).

The president knows what he signed up for though, and chances are there is a reason he’s president. He’s well spoken, respectful, responsible looking (if not always acting), and intelligent. Also, because he is president, there is a slight chance the police might actually respect him. It’s probably the same amount of respect you’d give a hooker who graduated from ITT Tech, but still, it’s something.  The police might have even asked to speak with him, although it’s more likely they’d prefer to take advantage of whatever drunk idiot answered the door. If the police show up, the president is probably the first guy you want to grab, you know, if he hasn’t resigned, jumped out the window, and started sprinting away.

The Risk Management Chair

If for some reason the president is not available the Risk Management Chair is next on the list. In many cases the Risk Management Chair is the first choice to speak with the police. A fraternity’s Risk Management Chair is essentially its greatest bull-shitter. He’s like if Eddie Haskell had to explain why pledges were in the backyard burning a missing stripper’s clothes.  “Well heck Mister Police Officer, I’ll be darned if we didn’t just run out of firewood. I don’t know where they found the stuff but I DO know that stilettos have a longer burn rate than Yule Logs. Boy I sure do like chemistry, don’t you?”

If a fraternity’s Risk Management Chair can’t handle talking to the police, blame the chapter, not the man. You basically elected him to do one job, get you out of trouble, he better be able to do it. So if mid-conversation with the police he starts vomiting more than a demon possessed teenage girl with body issues (it’s not bulimia if Satan makes you do it), then you probably did not elect the right guy. But barring a lapse in chapter judgment the Risk Management Chair is always a good bet to save the chapter’s ass.

Anyone Intelligent Over 21

Maybe this sounds like I’m covering my bases here, but the key in the title is “21.” If for some reason you can’t find the President OR the Risk Management Chair, you might as well just grab the smartest person you can find over the age of 21. Why? Because when a drunk guy shows up to talk to the cops his ability to legally consume will give the police one less reason to come inside. Chances are the President and Risk Management Chair are over the age of 21 as well, so they generally fall into this category anyway. This should make sense though, why would you simply grab the next guy on E-Board that you can find? Do you really want your socially inept Treasurer or borderline psychopathic Pledge Trainer drunkenly conversing with the suspicious law enforcement officials at your front door? “Why is it so loud in here? Because only mice are quiet, and mice are FAGGOTS! Whatdya mean that doesn’t make sense! You handcuffing me doesn’t make sense! I’m the fucking pledge trainer! RESPECT ME!”

Come back tomorrow for Part 2 “No God, Please Whatever You Do, Don’t Talk to the Police.”

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

Email this to a friend

66 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More