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Who The Hell’s Gonna Win The Super Bowl?

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We’re taking a look at the last meaningful football game until September: the Super Bowl. Which quarterback will shine brighter? Which defense will cause the most trouble? Who will live and who will die? Read on to find out.

Dillon Cheverere

I’ll take the over.

Karl Karlson

Boston’s native son against New England’s golden boy in the Big Game. Department stores across the Northeast run out of belts as every man searches for an apparatus with which to vigorously stranglebate. The Falcons start fast, bolstered by a relentless pass rush and Julio Jones’ innate ability to be better at football than other people. Tom storms back and it’s like “whoa!” In the waning seconds, as Brady puts the Pats in field goal range, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh sees a bright light. The kick is wide left. He releases his chowder while gasping out a “NOOOOO” and dies. Falcons 34-31.

Kramer Smash

I’m fine with some little kid dying of ass AIDS or something because God is too busy making sure the Falcons get the dub.

J Parks Caldwell

Field General Tom “Sherman” Brady burns the Atlanta secondary to the ground on his way to another MVP, driving Falcons fans into whining that their Super Bowl pursuit was a lost cause.


Tease the Patriots with the over if you’re a gamblin’ man.


The only part all of America will truly be happy with is the flyover.


Brady eats zone defenses for breakfast and shits touchdowns by noon. Atlanta doesn’t have the pass rushers to keep the deep zone end of their secondary safe, so Tom is going to light the middle of the field up like a christmas tree. Pats win 38-34, and the country suffers another offseason in the shadow of the Flying Elvis.

W.J. Cope

What a matchup. This is shaping up to be one of the best games in recent memory, and features the league’s number one offense against its number one scoring defense. What we’ve learned from similar situations in the past is that the defense will usually come out on top. Think Broncos-Panthers last time around, or Seahawks-Broncos a few years ago. I’m not expecting a blowout like we saw in the latter game, but you can bet New England will do everything they can to bracket Julio Jones like they did Antonio Brown over the weekend. Brady will face pressure from the likes of Ra’Shede Hageman and Vic Beasley, but will be able to pick on Robert Alford and co. with relative ease. New England takes their fifth title, 27-18.

Do you agree? Respectfully disagree? Think we’re morons? Sound off in the comments and let us know.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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