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Who Are You Taking?

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That time has come again. Your fraternity has an upcoming date function and once more you face the routine array of questions: “Who are you taking?” “Are you gonna fuck her?” “She’s that one Asian chick, right? She’s not? So you don’t mind if I take that Asian chick?” As we all know, finding a date is not the trouble. The real dilemma is finding the RIGHT date. It doesn’t matter whether your fraternity is throwing a semi-formal in town or spending the weekend in another city making hotel managers fear for their jobs. It’s important to have a quality lady by your side. Who are these lucky girls? There are several types, and you will likely be choosing between one of the following:

The Random Sorority Girl

This is the girl you see around the house or in class all the time. She’s attractive, cool, and fun as far as you’ve been able to tell. You’re also pretty sure she hasn’t hooked up with any or at least too many of your fraternity brothers. She is a good acquaintance at best, but a friendly one. Maybe you’ve played beer pong with her before, shared a few jokes, taken some shots, whatever. There is usually some extra incentive to take her as well. Maybe she’s the girl from your ex-girlfriend’s sorority that used to casually flirt with you, or maybe she just has giant tits. Either way, this girl is a solid option.

The Sure Thing

This is exactly what it sounds like. Barring an all out terrorist attack on her childhood home the night before the party you will be able to have sex with this girl (and even then, who knows). She isn’t necessarily loose, just eager, or at least apathetically contented to have sex with you. But really, who gives a shit? You’re getting laid.

The High School Slam Piece

Desperate times, desperate measures? Maybe. You’ve digressed into some last minute planning but still want to be strategic enough to have a great night. Unless things ended poorly with this girl back in the day (say you threw up on her while blacked out at a graduation party and didn’t find out until a year after) then you’re good to go. You’ve already hooked up with her before, so she’s down to blow you, or will be after a flurry of drinks, and you know her well enough that you won’t get stuck in any awkward conversation breaks. If anything you’re at least guaranteed a drunken make out session on the dance floor while the band blasts a mediocre Billy Joel cover. “For the Longest Time,” droppin’ panties since 1984, just ask dad.

The Best Friend

You probably aren’t going to slam her. That sucks, BUT she is fun as hell. When you two get together the end result is the type of binge drinking that inspired the creation of Liverite. Neither of you mind being “those people,” and by those people I mean the couple giving big tips and zero fucks. What’s more is that all your brothers like her, so you don’t need to babysit. Most importantly, she is drama free. She doesn’t care if you get too drunk, commit a misdemeanor or if you dip off for a mid-party bowl and come back higher than a giraffe’s pussy. She’s fun. End of story.

The Pledge Brother’s Girlfriend’s Friend

That was a mouthful, and hopefully you will be too. In reality, this option is the last resort. No one likes to be set up, but stay optimistic. Your buddy’s girlfriend is pretty adept at playing matchmaker especially considering she knows you well and knows the type of girl that will compliment you best. She was there when you blacked out at the last formal and when you passed out without your pants on during spring break. Although if she asks what you’re looking for you will have to find an inoffensive way of saying, “not fat, DTF and preferably not a bitch, but I’m flexible on that.”

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