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A List Of The Whitest Things You Can Do

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Let’s take a quick little stroll through a comprehensive history lesson on what certain scientific experts commonly refer to as “white people.” 9 out of 10 scientists believe that white people exist. They are sometimes referred to as “Caucasians.” They allegedly come from the continent of “Caucasia.” The science community has been studying them and their behavior for decades now. They have been sneaking into Star Trek conventions and Insane Clown Posse concerts with pens and clipboards, taking notes and documenting their every move. There’s been a bunch of literature written about them. There’s also been a bunch of insightful documentaries about them: White Christmas, Snow White, White Men Can’t Jump, White Chicks, The Notebook, etc.

White people were invented in Iowa in 1977 by Dr. Jonathan C. White. He was a true innovator. At first people laughed at him, when he said he wanted to invent people who wore khaki shorts and danced poorly at parties. They would laugh in his face and call him a lunatic when he said he wanted to invent girls to put nutella on everything and constantly misquote Drake in their Instagram captions.

I have actually had many extensive conversations with these scientists. I am an extremely important, Pulitzer Prize losing journalist. So I have taken it upon myself to correspond with these experts and compare notes. Me and a bunch of these scientists — 294 to be exact — collaborated to bring you this educational article about the sociological phenomenon that is known as whiteness.

Here is a list of the whitest things you can do.

  1. Forcing your dog to wear a rain jacket.
  2. Saying “I hate rap but I love Eminem.”
  3. Calling everything “lit” for the next five years.
  4. Popping your collar.
  5. Bringing up conspiracy theories at social functions.
  6. Drinking pumpkin spiced latte’s at Starbucks.
  7. Making really dumb, unoriginal jokes about how white people like drinking pumpkin spice latte’s at Starbucks.
  8. Bragging about how much weed you smoked yesterday.
  9. Not knowing who Kevin Hart was until 2 years ago.
  10. Going to a Macklemore, The Grateful Dead, Sublime, Iggy Azalea, Hootie & The Blowfish, Slipknot, Coldplay, or Mumford & Sons concert.
  11. Being a middle schooler and saying the phrase “It’s not just a PHASE, dad.”
  12. If you and your friends made homemade “Jackass” stunt videos in your suburban neighborhood in the early 2000s.
  13. Trying to be a funny and cutesy by referring to the store Target as “Tar-shay” like a fucking French person.
  14. Living in Wyoming.
  15. Asking their black friend “Why can’t I say it, too?”
  16. Telling everyone about their black friend when getting into a racially tense situation.
  17. Getting way too passionate with either your love or hate for Kanye.
  18. Shopping at Brooks Brothers.
  19. Doing the Bernie every time you dance.
  20. Knowing every word to “Fight For Your Right” by the Beastie Boys.
  21. Holding up a fish you just caught in your Facebook profile pic.
  22. Getting offended by this article
  23. Brunch.

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    Wally Bryton

    TFM’s most beloved writer

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