That overly nice, chubby cheesedick that you could walk all over during pledgeship? He’s gone. Getting balled the night before initiation and then rushing and being dropped by another fraternity in the spring must have fried the warm and friendly circuits in his brain.
Garrett is one bitter man. A huge dickhead, really. Just read his posts on bodybuilding.com and Red Pill Reddit. Where was all this Alpha male talk during wall sits or bows and toes? You saw this chump once piss his pants out of fear during a wiffleball philanthropy altercation and now he’s shit-talking anyone in Greek letters that passes his line of sight.
The kid takes a few cycles of Mexican candy and reads some literature on how to trick women into sleeping with him and suddenly he’s burning out of a university parking garage in his Mustang GT suppressing all memory of being referred to as the “Golden Reliever.” But people don’t forget. Everyone saw the pee running down Garrett’s legs the second that Sigma Chi charged the mound during Tri Delt’s Triple Play tournament. He knows that’s the case. It haunts his dreams to this day. So where is Garrett now? He’s at the Rec and Wellness Center — alone — fueled by inner rage and back alley testosterone boosting supplements he picked up from his “friend” Greg at Total Nutrition.
The neon light and slutty flower girl filled lifestyle of Vegas nightclubs and Ultra Music Festival was just too enticing. Eric, who goes by the stage name Huckleberry Spin, had to go for it. Sets at the local watering hole’s Two Dollar Tuesdays weren’t fulfilling Huck Spin as an artist or, more importantly, as a human being. He had to go big or go home and that’s exactly what he did. He went home. No matter how many promotional cards he handed out around the student union, those Soundcloud plays just never came.
Now, he’ll occasionally be on the ones and twos for a family member’s birthday party or bar mitzvah — keeping it kosher all the time — but dreams of headlining EDC are in the rear view mirror. Instead, Eric works in the warehouse of his father’s company and is taking classes at a junior college. He hasn’t been “in the lab cooking” in quite some time.
Long gone are the wild boy days of “Pistol Pete.” After recording a 0.00 GPA his first semester of college and racking up massive amounts of lawyer fees for a minor coke trafficking stint, Pete’s parents — and mainly the courts — put ol’ Pistol into rehab where he found Jesus. You know how that typical goes. We lost another one to the light.
You never knew much about “Skee.” During his impressive three day run as a pledge, you had a gut feeling that Skee wasn’t really cut out for fraternity life or even an enrolled student at your school. His answer of simply “Science” probably should have been a dead give away when you asked him what he planned on majoring in. That, or the fact he showed up to rush in a matching brown button down and shorts. Turns out Skee was a UPS delivery truck driver that dropped off a package and kind of just stayed one night during a toga party. He made friends with a blacked out recruitment chair over a pack of Newports and they burned heaters until Skee hopped back into his van with a bid in hand.
Where’s Skee now? Well he ended up getting popped for a DUI immediately after the party in a parking lot trying to prove to some girl he brought back with him that UPS trucks can, in fact, turn left. He lost his job, got evicted from his apartment, and did some real soul searching while living under a bridge. Inspired to get it all together, he went on to get his GED, moved out to California, and is working on his very own startup. I’m fucking with you. He started slinging regs full-time and has since become the fraternity’s fallback weed dealer. Trash quality, but fair prices. Sometimes you need something that gets you from point A to point B.
Drew? Yeah, Drew’s dead. Decapitated. Closed casket funeral? I mean…come on. Of course. That semi took his dome clean off. Died almost instantly. Classic Drew doing everything in a hurry. His mother always said “He’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached.” But for whatever reason that joke just didn’t land with her during the eulogy..