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They are three letters. They are chanted in succession. They are shouted again and again. One-two-three. One-two-three. When the chants echo through a stadium or arena, either at the outset of a game or to cap off a victory, the opposing fans cross their arms and roll their eyes. They probably want to take off their shoes and throw them at the closest smug dickhole chanting the letters to shut their stupid chanting faces up. These letters are infuriating to opposing fans–they may be the most obnoxious letters an opposing fan could possibly hear.
“Shut up. JUST SHUT UP. Stupid hillbillies. Fat idiots. Go eat fried food and be racist, you ignorant assholes, with your sense of entitlement and superiority,” the opposing fans think as the three letters continue to resound.
The letters I’m referring to, of course, are U-S-A, U-S-A.
If you’re not American, you hate that chant. If you are (hashtag) blessed enough to be a citizen, you love it. You can’t get enough of it. You know it’s kind of dumb, but in a way, that’s what makes the chant so great. It’s simple, easy, fun to do, and it pisses off people who aren’t on your side. A lot. Holy shit, it’s fantastic.
Exchange U-S-A for S-E-C and you have the exact same reaction opposing fans have to the SEC chant, and the reasons why fans of the Southeastern Conference love chanting their conference’s letters so much. It’s simple, easy, fun to do, and it pisses off people who aren’t on our side. A lot.
Last week, as the SEC’s Tennessee Volunteers were closing out their NCAA tournament play-in game against the Big Ten’s Iowa Hawkeyes, Vols fans started chanting S-E-C.
The chanting drew derision from a number of people who thought it was lame, downright stupid, and sad to chant the SEC’s letters in celebration of such a meager victory. After winning a big game (apparently that particular game wasn’t a big enough postseason contest) or the national championship is one thing, but a simple play-in game? GET OVER YOURSELVES, YOU FUCKING LOSERS WHO ACTUALLY JUST WON. CELEBRATE IN A WAY THAT PLEASES ME, AS A PERSON WHO DID NOT JUST WIN AND IS NOT A PART OF YOUR FAN BASE.
This begs the question, when is it and when isn’t it appropriate to chant S-E-C? Is it okay after a championship? What about while climaxing on the chest of a girl who attends a school in a different conference? (Yes and yes). As an SEC fan myself–albeit a relatively new one–I’ve decided to lay out when chanting S-E-C is warranted for SEC fans.
1. Winning Any Sort Of Championship
Obviously, if you win a championship game against a school from a different conference, your SEC fan base has more than earned the right to chant S-E-C. You just won a championship. You can do whatever you damn well please. Bed a female fan of ill repute from your school while watching the game highlights on SportsCenter (and remember, champions don’t wear condoms). Better yet, take down a girl from the school you just beat and chant S-E-C while watching the highlights. Even if she immediately runs out on you as you attempt it, pulling that move off is actually better than finishing. Go buy a bushel of fruit that most closely resembles one of your school’s colors and throw handfuls of it at passing traffic. Instead of a couch, go set a whole Ashley Furniture HomeStore ablaze. I don’t give a shit, you’re the champ, not me. Your celebration doesn’t need to make sense–you will not be sober or collected enough to express yourself in a sensible way. Shouting S-E-C is likely one of the most appropriate things an SEC fan will do after a championship win.
Chanting S-E-C is also acceptable after winning a regional final, such as a game that gets your team to the Final Four or College World Series.
2. After Winning Any Bowl Game
It doesn’t matter if you chant S-E-C across the stadium at the opponent’s full section after a national championship win or at the concession people working a nearly empty and astoundingly depressing BBVA Compass Bowl. If bowl games are used as a metric to measure conference superiority, then winning the game means you get to celebrate your conference.
3. After Any Win Against A Non-Conference Opponent In Any Game, Match, Or Contest
Because fuck it, we’re the SEC and they’re not.
4. After Any Time You Do Something Awesome
Get an A on a test? S-E-C. Save a baby from a burning building? S-E-C. Take down a 14-point buck while hunting? S-E-C. Slam a hot girl? S-E-C. Cook a delicious steak? S-E-C.
You’re awesome and you’re in the SEC. You should let people know both of these things, at the exact same time, as loudly as possible.
5. After Any Time You Do Something Terrible
Fail a test? S-E-C. Possibly start a fire that burned down a building? S-E-C. Kill a doe in front of its fawn, Bambi’s mom-style? S-E-C. Go down on a portly bridge troll of a girl after you both spent a long day in the sun and get nothing in return but a dry HJ that you fell asleep during anyway? S-E-C. Pay for something on the Wendy’s value menu with nickels? S-E-C.
Because irony is funny, and being in the SEC still makes you awesome. Fuck everyone else.
6. Any Time You Do Anything
As far as I’m concerned, putting on your pants in the morning is enough of a reason to celebrate the glory that is being part of the SEC.
7. When Introducing Yourself
If you’re in a room full of people you don’t know, chanting S-E-C could help you find a friend with similar interests. At the very least, it will help you identify every single person you don’t want to associate with, as they take offense to your chant. Have a nice life, assholes.
8. At The Funeral Of An SEC Fan
In a somber, respectful tone, of course. Someone has probably already done this.
9. Whenever, Whether Or Not You Are Doing Or Have Done Anything At All, Good Or Bad
Just do it whenever the hell you want. We’re the SEC, we don’t give a shit, so fuck it.
S-E-C. S-E-C. S-E-C.