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First of all, if you’re not yet following TFM Girls on Instagram, then you’re one of the few who isn’t. The account is growing by several thousand followers per day, and its rapidly ascending popularity can be almost directly attributed to the topic of this column: these new hybrid thong bikini bottoms that seemingly every college girl is wearing nowadays–that, and the incredibly attractive girls whose cheeks they can’t contain. I’m told the style is called “cheeky.” Makes sense.
I’m talking about these:
They’re clearly not the standard bikini bottom of old–the kind that covers the majority of your ass cheeks and you can comfortably wear around Dad. You can’t turn away from Dad in these things, though, especially with all the squatting you girls are into. Ol’ Dad will have a conniption. These aren’t true thongs, either. They’re a hybrid of the two designs–half traditional bikini bottom, half thong. They’re definitely all up in that crack, though. It’s like you can’t call me scandalous or sleazy because this isn’t a thong, but you know, I’m also here to party with my cheeks out a little bit. Maybe give the guys something to think about.
These bottoms aren’t simply making a casual appearance at your local university apartment pool. If the pictures I’m seeing are any indication, they are EVERYWHERE around college campuses. I’m now surprised when I see a photo of standard bottoms. What are you even trying to hide?
Below is a screenshot from the aforementioned TFM Girls Instagram account. It’s a random sampling of photos. Just look at all the hybrids.
Now, I understand that this may not be an accurate cross section of college coeds, seeing as how our account only posts attractive girls that look good in bathing suits, but the ratio of hybrid-to-standard is lopsided enough to provide sufficient evidence that we’re dealing with an epidemic. Cheeks on motherfucking cheeks.
Here’s my question: when did this become a thing?
Also, how is this a thing? And how are there enough girls with good enough equipment to make this a thing? No one wore these when I was in college. Come to think of it, I’ve never noticed anyone wearing these in real life. Not a single person I currently know would even consider trying these on in a private dressing room. It’s just a lot of cheek. Aggressive cheek.
“You seem upset.”
Maybe I am. Maybe I’m more than a little peeved that I completely missed the hybrid era of the female bathing suit. I had to settle for the standard bottom. Very little cheek to speak of. And you college perverts are out here staring down hybrid ass all day long like it ain’t no thing, probably wading waist deep in the pool to conceal your little college boners. The shit just isn’t fair.
That’s not the only thing about this epidemic that I find upsetting. Look, I’m older than you guys. My college days are getting smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. I’m balls deep in some real shit now–mortgage, bills, insurance, and a whole bunch of other adult crap.
Why am I telling you this? Because I have to start thinking about having a kid soon. Yeah, guys, I’m about that age. Statistics say there’s a one in two chance I have a little girl. That little girl will eventually grow up. She’ll probably go to college, too. There’s even a really good chance she will go swimming, sunbathe, or go to the beach on occasion, all of which would result in her wearing a bathing suit.
Bathing suits looked like THIS in the ’50s.
Bathing suits looked like THIS in the ’60s.
Bathing suits looked like THIS in the ’70s.
Bathing suits looked like THIS in the ’80s.
Bathing suits looked like THIS in the ’90s.
Bathing suits looked like THIS in the ’00s.
And today, they look like this:
What will my little girl be wearing in 20 years? 🙁