Columns

What’s Going Through Your Mind vs. What’s Going Through a GDI’s Mind At Graduation

78805a221a988e79ef3f42d7c5bfd4181666909967-600x415

The Job Market
GDI: I should’ve listened to my parents and pretty much everyone else when I told them I was majoring in art history.
You: Good thing I’m getting my MBA and don’t have to worry about getting a job for another two years.

Living Situation
GDI: I guess I’ll give my cousin a call to see if he needs a roommate in his duplex.
You: I’ll worry about that when I get back from the Virgin Islands in July.

College Regrets
GDI: I wonder if Trevor will ever forgive me hitting him in the balls during zombies vs. humans sophomore year.
You: I wonder if Mike will ever forgive me for fucking his sister last month.

Summer Plans
GDI: Frisbee golf summer league!
You: Actual golf summer league.

Relationships
GDI: eHarmony or Match.com?
You: I suppose I’ll play the field ‘til I’m 30 or whatever and then pick a nice slam to settle down with.

Dinner Plans
GDI: Hopefully Red Lobster isn’t too crowded.
You: Maybe this is the night I put away more scotches than dad.

Plans for the Night of Graduation
GDI: I think I’ll finish building my Minecraft house. My friends already went home, anyway.
You: Depressed that I have to leave this behind, but I have no problem with blacking out and forgetting my last night as an undergrad.

Where I’m Hoping To Be In Five Years
GDI: Designing the next big craze in anime flash gaming and getting ready to move out of my parents’ house.
You: Not in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Where I Will Be In Five Years
GDI: Assistant manager at a Coffee Bean. Married and hating it.
You: Climbing the corporate ladder of success. Star on your company softball team. Married to a total babe.

Where I’m Hoping To Be In Ten Years
GDI: Creator and star of the largest gaming channel on YouTube.
You: Raising future Olympic champions and starting my own company after 10 solid years in the private sector.

Where I Will be In Ten Years
GDI: Bankrupt after opening a coffee shop. In the middle of an ugly divorce.
You: Making partner at your company. Wife aging like fine scotch even after two kids.

Worst College Memory
GDI: Running for student government and only getting 5% of the vote.
You: Getting arrested in Mexico on spring break sophomore year.

Best College Memory
GDI: Becoming an RA senior year and successfully getting three kids put on academic probation for alcohol violations.
You: I wish I could remember it.

Your Professional Network
GDI: I know the manager of the local GameStop. Maybe he’s got something.
You: Chapter alum in your hometown has promised to hook you up with a decent entry-level job at the alumni golf tourney last month.

Your GPA
GDI: I worked hard for this 2.6.
You: I want to thank the house test bank, SparkNotes, pledges and good old fashioned American adderall for this miraculous 3.5.

***

Email this to a friend

TheChampionsTour

The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

33 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More