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What’s Going Through Your Mind vs. What’s Going Through a GDI’s Mind At Graduation

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The Job Market
GDI: I should’ve listened to my parents and pretty much everyone else when I told them I was majoring in art history.
You: Good thing I’m getting my MBA and don’t have to worry about getting a job for another two years.

Living Situation
GDI: I guess I’ll give my cousin a call to see if he needs a roommate in his duplex.
You: I’ll worry about that when I get back from the Virgin Islands in July.

College Regrets
GDI: I wonder if Trevor will ever forgive me hitting him in the balls during zombies vs. humans sophomore year.
You: I wonder if Mike will ever forgive me for fucking his sister last month.

Summer Plans
GDI: Frisbee golf summer league!
You: Actual golf summer league.

GDI: eHarmony or
You: I suppose I’ll play the field ‘til I’m 30 or whatever and then pick a nice slam to settle down with.

Dinner Plans
GDI: Hopefully Red Lobster isn’t too crowded.
You: Maybe this is the night I put away more scotches than dad.

Plans for the Night of Graduation
GDI: I think I’ll finish building my Minecraft house. My friends already went home, anyway.
You: Depressed that I have to leave this behind, but I have no problem with blacking out and forgetting my last night as an undergrad.

Where I’m Hoping To Be In Five Years
GDI: Designing the next big craze in anime flash gaming and getting ready to move out of my parents’ house.
You: Not in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Where I Will Be In Five Years
GDI: Assistant manager at a Coffee Bean. Married and hating it.
You: Climbing the corporate ladder of success. Star on your company softball team. Married to a total babe.

Where I’m Hoping To Be In Ten Years
GDI: Creator and star of the largest gaming channel on YouTube.
You: Raising future Olympic champions and starting my own company after 10 solid years in the private sector.

Where I Will be In Ten Years
GDI: Bankrupt after opening a coffee shop. In the middle of an ugly divorce.
You: Making partner at your company. Wife aging like fine scotch even after two kids.

Worst College Memory
GDI: Running for student government and only getting 5% of the vote.
You: Getting arrested in Mexico on spring break sophomore year.

Best College Memory
GDI: Becoming an RA senior year and successfully getting three kids put on academic probation for alcohol violations.
You: I wish I could remember it.

Your Professional Network
GDI: I know the manager of the local GameStop. Maybe he’s got something.
You: Chapter alum in your hometown has promised to hook you up with a decent entry-level job at the alumni golf tourney last month.

Your GPA
GDI: I worked hard for this 2.6.
You: I want to thank the house test bank, SparkNotes, pledges and good old fashioned American adderall for this miraculous 3.5.


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The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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