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What Your Hazing Style Says About You

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Verbal Abuser

The verbal abuser is a bit of a wild card. He’s the loudest motherfucker at the party, but nobody can tell if he’s having a good time or nearing a boiling point of rage explosion. This guy grew up in a very loud family, possibly Italian, and in order to get attention as a kid, he had to be the loudest person in the house. During his short-lived athletic career, he was like Jalen Rose — always talking shit to opponents to the point that many would end up in tears because he crossed the line by mentioning a dead mom or some shit.

However, unlike the legendary hazers who came before him, the verbal hazer has shown an inability to step his game up. He’s constantly writing checks with his mouth that his ass can’t cash. The pledges eventually catch on to this, and his lack of diversity when it comes to verbal hazing become less and less effective.

Physical Therapist

This is the hazer who spends his time educating the pledges by making them do wall sits and bows and toes — your typical meathead. Oftentimes he ends up on the floor or the wall with the pledges just to show that he can easily handle the shit that’s making them suffer through. He uses the word “pussies” a lot. When he’s not inflicting physical pain on the abs and legs of the pledges, you can find him at the gym tossing around weights.

This guy usually ends up being a gym teacher or personal trainer, because he’s just not very good at much else.

Manual Laborer

This dude was lazy growing up. He never cleaned his room or made his bed or did the dishes, because that shit was the butler’s job. He doesn’t necessarily fit the mold of a pledge trainer, but no one else wanted to step up to the plate, so he ended up taking the reigns. He originally wanted to be the house manager, but no one trusted him with that responsibility because he’s a fucking slob. Since he has no intention or ability to teach the new kids anything, he just has them slave away completing menial housekeeping tasks. “Yeah, uh, paint the walls again.” Great work, chief.

Mind Fucker

He has one goal and one goal only: to strike fear into the hearts of pledges via mental fatigue and confusion. This is the guy that, during the first week of pledgeship, convinces a pledge that when hell week comes along he’ll have to douse one of his feet in gasoline and light it on fire for the rest of his pledge brothers to put out with their spit. This is the guy that tells the entire pledge class that before they’re eligible to be initiated they have to spend a half hour locked in a tiny closet with a famous alumni named “Scary Pete” who did time in juvie for sexually assaulting a priest at the age of 13.

The Mind Fucker only goes after chicks with extreme daddy issues. The more problems she has with her father, the more fucked in the head she is, and the more he desires her. He’s a really sick fuck.

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Harrison Lee

The Boulevard is a Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. He hates soccer and terrorists. He will forget more about sports than you will ever know in your lifetime.

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