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What Your Facial Hair Says About You

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It’s 2016 and facial hair seems to be all the rage. There are quadrillions of hipster douchebottle fuckfaces that walk around with pubes splattered on their faces thinking it’s a sensual fashion statement.

Now I’m not bashing facial hair, as I have it myself, but I’ve written a comprehensive guide on how to define yourself in relation to it. This is what your facial hair says about you

Beard: You’re either a serial killer disguised as a lumberjack or a lumberjack disguised as a serial killer.

Big, Bushy White Beard: You break into children’s houses to leave them toys, so you’re either Santa or a creepy criminal.

Five O’Clock Shadow: You’re a loose cannon badass cop who doesn’t play by the rules.

Peach Fuzz: You’re 11 and you just started growing facial hair so you refuse to shave it even though it’s disgusting.

Goatee: You make crystal meth in your aunt’s basement.

Soul Patch: You play bongos in smelly neighborhoods and wear sunglasses in the shade.

Neckbeard: You weigh 800 pounds and you spend 21 hours a day playing World Of Warcraft.

Mutton Chops: You’ve never experienced the warmth of a woman.

Mustache: There’s a 110% chance you’re a sexual predator.

Bushy Mustache: You’re either a pornstar from the ’70s or an Italian grandmother.

Fu Manchu: You’re about to lose a fight to Bruce Lee.

Blonde Mustache: You’re a racist cop.

Short And Thin Mustache: You’re about to invade Poland.

Twirly Mustache: You’re a douchey hipster who writes pretentious screenplays in organic coffeeshops.

Horseshoe Mustache: You’re either Hulk Hogan or you desperately want to be Hulk Hogan. In either case you’re a washed up, bloated assbag.

Chinstrap: When you fart it smells like crippling social anxiety.

Sideburns: You’re either Elvis, Wolverine, or a morbidly obese single father.

Clean-shaven: You read this stupid article and got needlessly insecure.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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