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Ah, beer pong. It’s the king of drinking games, a simple game that puts one’s manhood to the test with every shot. Your skill is measured by your shots made per game, quickness in your fingering, distraction ability, and your clutch factor in your ability to sink that redemption shot — all measured far more accurately than Mel Kiper ever could.
While many things are kept constant in this American pastime, the style of shot is something unique to each partygoer. Each shot can be placed into seven different categories, and each one tells you something different about the shooter’s life.
This is the classic American beer pong shot, which makes you the classic American man. You like to keep things short and sweet, just like my high school nickname. Uncle Sam and George Dubya himself shot this way, and with each cup you sink, these two American icons are cheering you on. You’re not the biggest risk taker, which may keep you from plowing the ten in your astronomy class, but you consistently score eights, much to the satisfaction of your forefathers. Keep it up, man. You’re going places.
The Reverse Spin Bullshitter
We’ve all seen this wizard, sinking shot after shot while contorting his wrist in ways that will soon lead to arthritis. You stumbled upon this shot accidentally while eighteen deep, and after sinking six in a row, there was no turning back. You maintain an aura of mystery about yourself, and you usually call your shot before sinking the last cup. You’re always down to play, and you regularly pick up chicks on your team and impress them with your ability. You’re considered the Zeus of beer pong and people have been known to pay you to take celeb shots for them.
The Laser Beam
You take great pride in frightening females with your aggressive shot, and you take no prisoners. In the words of the great Marshawn Lynch, you’re “ ’bout that action, boss.” You hear “FINISH HIM” when you see that last cup near the edge of the table, and you get a half-chub when you knock it clean off the back. You hate losing and can count the number of losses you’ve suffered by the number of holes in the wall of the basement. You have a pretty aggressive personality and may or may not be into BDSM. Take a Xanax and chill the fuck out.
You’re a physics major who has finally found a real world application for all of your theoretical shit. You’ve spent countless hours calculating the exact angle, initial velocity, and rate of backspin to assure you drain buckets. You’re as good at beer pong as you are at protecting your virginity, in which you also have an A+. When tournament time comes around, you’re finally the first pick in something, which you proceed to write about in your journal. Nerd.
Ah, the Tom Brady shot. You say fuck it to the rules and push the edge until you get caught. Then, you ease your way back over the elbow line until you get caught again, just like ol’ Tommy. You’re known to get in heated arguments over the legality of your shot, and your wins are marred by asterisks. You’ve never really been a conformist, and pissing people off is your thing. You may or may not wear a tank top more often than not, and for some reason, you still have your sunglasses on inside.
You’re a step down from the leaner and you find an odd satisfaction in pissing people off. This is likely linked to your childhood. You wear a grim smirk as you watch your opponent remove two cups after your douchey shot. You’re conniving, untrustworthy, and you find yourself walking home alone more often than not, but it’s okay, because that bounce shot is sweet. This shit isn’t a game to you — it’s a way of life, and you will take every advantage. If there was a beer pong performance enhancer, you would have that needle in your arm three to four times a week.
The Jordan Belfort
We all cringed when we watched the Wolf take a shot with an elbow support, but being the aspiring first ballot frat hall-of-famer that you are, you think this shot will bring you endless strippers, blow, and cash. Long story short: You’re wrong. You look like a cheese dick when shooting like this, and you bring shame to your ancestors and the game of beer pong with each sorry attempt. You may have slept with a pacifier until the sixth grade, and you’re known to sip the occasional Lime-a-Rita after your modern sculpting class. Consider a lifestyle change..