Having just let her baby leave the nest to embark on the biggest adventure of his or her young life, better known as “college,” Mom wants to check in frequently to make sure you’re staying on the straight-and-narrow while keeping your grades up. It’s Mom, and we love her, so we take her phone calls and answer her texts and emails.
However, constant interaction eventually forces you to become a professional bullshitter…
It’s 10 o’clock and I really need to start drinking.
I’m making all C’s and D’s.
I regularly pay for and ingest Adderall to help me study, a substance that’s illegal to possess without a prescription.
I won’t be able to feel my face in three hours.
I used the card to purchase five kegs when we started to run low.
I haven’t attended a single one of my 8:00am classes this semester.
I’m wifed up.
I got laid last night in the middle of our annual foam party.
I’m pulling out all the stops to get laid as often as possible.
My fraternity brothers are all complete scumbags.
Parents’ Weekend is something I dread, and is a potential disaster waiting to happen.
There is no way I’m letting my little sister get violated by these animals.
My goal is to haze until I make every single member of this pledge class cry.
You would disown me if you knew how I spent spring break.
The only exercise I’ve gotten in the past six months was during intramural softball, and I played catcher, and I was high as a kite.
This place is so much better than home.
I have never purchased condoms. Prayer is my only contraceptive.
I can only name one of my professors.
I want to delay graduation for as long as humanly possible.
I may never graduate.
I sold my books months ago, got $180 back, and spent every cent of that at the liquor store immediately.