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Guys, we need to talk.
Before you start tuning me out and day dreaming about Kate Upton and burritos or whatever it is you guys think about, I want you to know I didn’t come over here from TSM to yell at you. No, this isn’t about the fact that you didn’t text me back (asshole) or that you stayed up until 5 a.m. AGAIN to continue your 14-hour streak of Madden. This is about something far bigger than technology. This is about life. This is about the history of mankind.
This is about your penis.
Your super schlong. Your massive member. Your terrific tally wag. Your succulent sausage and meat balls. Your “carved from the gods” cock. Your “wait in line, ladies” wee wee. Your magnificent monster. Your basilisk that you want to slither into my chamber of secrets.
You get it. I’m talking about your dick. Your big dick. Or you know what? Maybe it’s not a big dick. Maybe it’s an average-sized piece of man meat–or hell, maybe you have a bite-sized peen.
I’m here to let you know the secret of all female kind and what we think about your penis size. Ready?
We don’t fucking care.
Like, literally. We don’t give a shit about your penis size. Sure, we might have a thought or two when we’re first greeted with the guy, but we would never leave or not sleep with you because of how “big” you are.
Let that sink in, or even say it with me aloud (and please, please be in class right now so you look like the true pervert that you are): women don’t care about your penis size.
The thing is, I’ve done my research. I’ve seen some genitals. I’ve talked to the ladies (yes, we talk in extreme detail about your penis). I’ve done my homework. And when it comes down to it, the size of your dick isn’t in your pants.
It’s in your head.
The way to get women to sleep with you is easy. Really. Act like you have a big dick. By that, I don’t mean stuff a sock down there or let a Magnum condom poke out of your wallet (despite what Frank from “It’s Always Sunny” says). Act like you have a big dick in the sense of being confident. Stop being insecure about your size. Start acting like a man. And, because I care, here are a few foolproof methods that are guaranteed to make her like you. You’ll impress her far more than any penis size could.
1. Open the door for her. Especially the car door. We love that shit.
2. Tuck her hair behind her ear. It’s a proven, instant panty-dropper.
3. Text her “good morning.” I know it’s annoying and lame, but you have NO idea the amount of bonus points you get if you do this.
4. Same for texting her “goodnight.”
5. Feed her a bite of your food. We love food even more than you. Seriously.
6. Don’t, DON’T, ask to ejaculate on her face. Ever.
When it comes down to it, women aren’t going to like you because of your penis. In fact, most of us don’t like you because of your penis: because of who you’ve used it with, the fact that you think with it (we see you eyeing that girl in the corner…really, you aren’t fooling us), and the fact that you ALWAYS want us to fawn over it. We don’t really care. It doesn’t matter if you have an eight-inch snake in there or a slightly below average little worm. All a girl wants is a guy who is respectful and #WCWs her on Wednesday. That will go much further than an extra inch down there.
Also, be good at eating vagina. You were warned.