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What To Get Your Girl For Christmas (Based On The Nature Of Your Relationship)

christmas present

Hey man, are you currently feeling deeply conflicted and/or befuddled because you don’t know what to get your girl for Christmas? Or Kwanzaa? Or Hanukkah? Or Chanukah? Or Hannukah? Or Chanuka? Or Chanukkah? Or Hanuka? Or Channukah? Or Chanukka? Sorry about that; there’s a bunch of ways to spell Hanukkah and I wanted to make sure I included all of them lest I be (C)ha(n)nuk(k)a(h) shamed.

Well if you don’t know what you want to get your special lady friend for the holidays, have no fear — that’s why I’m here. I have recently constructed a definitive guide on what gifts you could choose to get for her, specifically based on what the nature of your relationship to them is. Okay, let’s break it down right now.

The platonic female friend that you’ve been trying to get in bed with

• Get a big box of magnum condoms and tell her it’s for the guy she’s currently seeing. If you see her after the holidays and it’s unopened, you know that either A) She’s not seeing anybody, or B) The guy she is seeing isn’t packing more heat than you.

• Get her a DVD of a romantic comedy where the characters start out as “just friends” (When Harry Met Sally, Manhattan, The Wedding Singer, Brokeback Mountain, The Human Centipede, etc.).

• Get her a mix CD (yup, we’re gonna go old school) of 20 to 25 tracks and every single song is “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye (with one “Just a Friend” by Biz Markie). A smooth and subtle way to drop the hint.

• Get her a terminally ill puppy that will die in roughly a week so you can be there to comfort her (don’t judge me; the puppy is gonna fucking die anyways. At least it’ll have a home for a week).

The “so we’re kinda casually dating but it’s not official or anything yet” girl

• You could get her an album from an independent artist to show that you hate labels.

• Buy her a book about George W. Bush and the Iraq War so you can put a note in it that says “unlike George W. Bush, I know how to pull out.”

• Danny Devito, to put in her pocket when you’re not around in case she needs someone to talk to.

• Give her the new Call Of Duty to show that you want to keep playing games with her.

The serious girlfriend

• Give her box that looks like it has an engagement ring in it but actually just contains a single Starburst (not an orange one, though; you’re not a fucking sociopath).

• Buy her a DVD of season 1 of the TV show The People v. O.J. Simpson to make her subconsciously question if she ever really wants marriage one day.

• Get her a coat hanger just in case a condom breaks one day (especially if it’s one of those magnums since it’s gonna slip off a lot).

• A box with Jimmy Fallon in it so there’s always someone there to laugh at her jokes.

The wife

• A divorce.

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Wally Bryton

TFM’s most beloved writer

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