With school back in full swing for many college students, rush season is upon us. For you freshmen, it’s only a matter of days before you receive an envelope containing an invitation to join one of the fine Greek establishments on campus. Soon after that, you will officially become a pledge. I’m sure some of you may be a little nervous about pledgeship, but don’t worry about it. Daddy’s here, and he’s got everything you need to know about the exciting process. So take a deep breath, and relax. Everything will be just fine, as long as you remember these six things.
6. You’re Fucked
You’re going to wish you were never born. I’m sorry. I took things too far. What I should say is you’re going to wish the pathetic excuse of a sperm cell you once were never dared to leave the comfort of your father’s ball sack. You are so fucked it’s hilarious. Christina Broomschmidt told everyone the pledge master has a weird dick, and now, he’s fully prepared to unleash his crippling insecurities in the form of violent rage upon you. Let me put it to you this way: He is a hurricane, and you’re living near a large body of water during the Bush administration. He is a small Asian girl with a sniper rifle, and you’re a Marine in Vietnam. He is Ray J’s dick, you’re Kim K’s vagina, and the rest of your life is Kanye West, forever bitter and enraged at the thought of him. He’s going to ruin you for Kanye.
5. You’re A Bitch
You belong to the brothers now. Do you understand me? Your life as an individual is over. Stock up now on cartons of cigarettes, tins of dip, condoms, and mental fortitude, because the fraternity is about to drain you of as much of that shit as possible. What happens if you run out? See number 6. Full-time bitch is your only job description. Get ready to scrub, rinse, and wipe everything the brothers own, including their assholes. I fucked your mom.
4. Lots Of Gay Shit
You know how they say elephant walks are a myth? Well, THAT’S the myth. You’re gonna grab so many dicks.
3. Physical Abuse
Pull down your pants and put your hands against the wall. Bend slightly at the knees. What are you doing? I said assume the position. Stop reading this article, pull down your pants and put your spunk-covered hands on the goddamn wall, tell your mom to come upstairs and strike you with a tree limb, then come back to this article. Did you do it? Good. Get used to how that shit feels, because you’re going to get paddled so hard and so often, you’re ass is going to look like a rotten peach by the end of pledging. There’s a distinct possibility you won’t be able to shit straight ever again. You’ll have to get a stoma drilled into the side of your stomach with a little baggie attached. It happened to my pledge brother. Are you prepared to shit directly from your stomach into a bag for the rest of your life in the name of brotherhood? You better be.
2. Lots Of Nasty Shit
The best advice I can give you when it comes to the twisted shit you’ll be forced to do on a regular basis is this: Encourage your pledge brothers to adhere to a diet rich in pineapples, and always save a few loads in the tank. You’ll thank me when the brothers tell you to go to Popeye’s and order nothing but a single biscuit. Also: bathing in each other’s puke.
1. You Are So Fucking Fucked
Seriously. You are lower than whale dung rotting at the bottom of the ocean. I fucking hate you..