You can tell a lot about a girl based on what she’s wearing (or not wearing), but when every bitch alive is wearing a crop top and high waisted shorts, things can get tricky.
Thankfully, Halloween comes around once a year, so girls will actually kind of distinguish themselves from one another, if only for one night. While it’s not a question that you’re probably going to get laid on Halloween, even if you’re dressed as Caitlyn Jenner, the real question is this: Which sexy-[insert costume here] is worth your time? Do you go for the classic slutty school girl? The weirdly hot sexy Harambe? Or the chick who clearly grabbed a random hat from her closet and is calling it a costume?
Well, my friends, on Halloween, you can judge a book by it’s cover and/or tits. Here’s what a girl’s Halloween costume says about how she holds up in the sack.
1. Something Basic as Fuck – cat, school girl, nurse
This girl doesn’t care about pinning DIY costumes on Pinterest or planning a group costume with her “besties.” She just cares about getting laid. Why be funny by dressing as a sexy Harambe or edgy by dressing as Selena Gomez in rehab when she could simply be sexy by dressing as a school girl? Is she kind of boring? Yes. Will she ride your dick all night? Oh yeah.
2. Something DIY and Punny – Taco Bae
Take the amount of time and effort she put into making this costume, multiply it by three, and then you will have the equivalent answer to know how long this girl will stalk you after you fuck her. She’ll say that she doesn’t want to leave your apartment the next day because she doesn’t want to do a walk of shame in her outfit, then she’ll try to be cute and make breakfast, only to find that the only thing in your fridge is beer and hot sauce. Discouraged, she’ll see if she can win you over by talking about “chill” stuff like her love for tequila and Luke Bryan. Give her a t-shirt that you never want to see again and tell her to GTFO.
3. Something Not PC – Native American, Mexican in sombrero
This girl clearly doesn’t care, or she really gives a fuck and is trying way too hard to be anti-PC. Either way, you can take that cheap-ass sombrero right off of her and probs convince her to suck your half-whiskey-dick for way longer than you thought she would. She also prefers anal because she “doesn’t want to get pregnant.”
4. Something Purposely Not Sexy – whoopie cushion, M&M
How chill and feminist — this girl decided that she didn’t need to dress slutty on Halloween because she’s above it all. If for some reason you want to fuck this girl for the sheer challenge of it, it’s probably easier than you think. She’s the type of girl to talk her friends’ ears off about how she “doesn’t need to impress guys” and is “really picky,” but in reality she just can’t get any guys’ attention. Because she sucks. Tell her she’s “interesting” and that she’s “not like other girls,” and she’ll probably call your ass an Uber back to her place immediately.
5. Something Clearly Thrown Together at the Last Minute
This girl DGAF about planning for Halloween, and she also DGAF about her sex number. She’s just as sloppy as you and is kind of like your average college asshole, but with tits. She is probably as lazy as you are in bed, but she’ll make up for it by never hitting you up after a one night stand.
6. Part of a Group Costume
A girl with six BFFs is a girl that has an army of psychos to back her up. If you fuck up, her whole “crew” will know about it and so will her entire sorority. She’ll probably Snapchat a pic of you sleeping to her group chat and won’t put out because her girl told her that she shouldn’t have sex on the first “date.” In a dream world, you’d get her and her hot BFF in a matching costume to both go home with you. In the real world, you’ll get a rando girl throwing a drink in your face next weekend and saying “you know why.”.