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The internet needs to r-e-l-a-x with all this dad bod talk. It’s gotten straight out of hand. It’s been “a thing” for a while now, by the way. Dad bod jokes surfaced a couple years ago. I got tired of reading about it nine months ago when we brought it mainstream. Now it’s tired and rundown. Yesterday’s news. It’s reached “bae” status of overuse. Some little blonde number recently ripped our running dad bod joke and put a few words together about it, and all of a sudden the world is in a dad bod frenzy — desperate girls filling the streets trying rub up against out-of-shape goobers like this is a real thing.
Give it a rest. The dad bod craze, I assure you, is not real. It’s a stupid internet joke that has gone too far. That’s it. So all you dad bods out there who think you’ve suddenly fallen ass backwards into a position of sexual desirability can pipe down now — with your stomach rolls and B-cups and chasmed belly buttons. I’m sorry to tell you that you’re still just a physical mess who wouldn’t be picked out of a lineup of a bunch of average ass guys to have intercourse with. You’ll be left to self-loathe and touch yourself, like normal.
It’s like everyone just now realized guys drink beer and treat their bodies like back alley dumpsters with no regard for their health or physical appearance. Get a grip, people. They looked like shit a year ago and they still look like shit today. Girls aren’t attracted to it. They just say they are because it’s the “in” thing to say. Our own Rachel Page swears up and down she’s into the dad bod. Prefers them, she says. I swear up and down she’s a liar.
You take Rachel to the club, get a few vodkas in her, drag her out to the dance floor, spin her around about 10 times to get her real disoriented, then make her quickly choose a guy to grind up on, she’s going after the fit guy every time. It’s nature. And it’s okay. But it’s real.
So I got this email:
To begin Dorn, minivan yourself fuckboy.
Okay to get down to business. I was fucking around in Chem lab today explaining to some sorority girls the concept of a dad bod. I started to wonder if there’s guys with dad bods in college, are there chicks with mom bods too? I’m just fucking curious.
Kindly fuck off.
GREAT question, asshole. I’m also just fucking curious. What about the mom bod? Equal treatment for men and women, right? Title IX and everything. This topic is fair game. We’re talking about it.
“Are there chicks with mom bods too?”
Much like the implication with “dad bod,” I’m going to assume mom bod doesn’t refer to the physique of an actual mother, as in a lady who has birthed a real human child. Because we all know that growing a fetus for nine months inside you can do some real weird shit to your body, so that’s unfair. Real moms, you the real MVPs. You’re also forever exempt from this discussion.
Mom bods on basic college girls, though. That’s worth looking into. Are there mom bods? What do they look like? Who’s out there sporting them? And, like our culture has suddenly pretended to accept and fawn over their male counterpart, are they hot?
I don’t really even know where I’m going with this discussion. Let’s just talk about it. It’s time.
Mom bods are a thing now. They’re real. They are slightly overweight, but like a fun type of overweight — the kind of overweight that’s not apparent when fully and loosely clothed, but when they’re at the apartment pool in their bikini and they’re bonging Natty, they’re like “hmmm” overweight. They drink a lot, too. And they drink beer. Sometimes whiskey. But a lot of cheap beer. Never vodka. They’re ample chested, but not the great kind of ample chested.
Mom bods are real, they’re hot, and they’re the next big thing..