Sometimes Netflix and Chill gets a little boring, causing us to resort to the old-fashioned sex playlist. While I strongly believe that you should be in charge of the music, if the girl you’re hooking up with ever talks you into letting her set the mood, use it as an opportunity to evaluate (or warn) yourself about the sex you’re about to have. Here’s what her playlist means:
She doesn’t fuck; she makes love. Most likely via missionary with all the lights on, because it offers optimal eye contact. Although a sprinkle of Drake in any sex playlist works, if it is made exclusively of his tracks, she may have multiple Pinterest boards dedicated to her future wedding.
She’s pretty basic, but in a fun way. You can find her dancing on an elevated surface every Wednesday through Saturday night, and she’ll probably want to be on top the entire time (even if she’s not that great at it).
3. The Weeknd
She’s a closeted freak who you probably met through a mutual class. Not only can she help you get a 98 on the exam, but you definitely won’t last more than two minutes the first time you get with her. This is far from her first rodeo, and chances are she’s into some kinky shit. However, if she only listens to the newest album, or her favorite song is “I Can’t Feel My Face,” she probably has an out-of-state boyfriend and hasn’t been fucked in a while. That means she sucks in bed and as a person.
4. Lana Del Rey
She’s a bad bitch with a few issues. Chances are every guy she’s been with has cheated on her, but she isn’t looking for anything except someone to call Daddy.
Unless you’re deep into psychedelic drugs, this doesn’t seem like a pleasant or sexy choice, but to each their own. If she soberly chose this to get her freaky on, your chances of anal are high. Also, don’t let her put your dick in her mouth — she likes using teeth. Best of luck.
6. Soft Indie Tunes
If it isn’t in the context of morning sex, this is your hint that she wants a relationship. Or, if you hardly know her and it’s any time past five, she considers herself “artsy.” It may be fun and romantic until you remove her organic-brand underwear to find a full bush. If weed whacking is what you’re into, by all means continue. If not, make up an excuse about how you had plans to go plant trees and hadn’t realized the time. She’ll let you leave without a hitch.
Leave. Just leave.
8. Justin Bieber
Possibly underage and is definitely not worth it in the sack. Make sure to check that ID.
9. Top 40 Hits
Either you’ve been dating for a while and simply don’t care, or you have no taste as a person. I’m not sure how the people that live across the hall from me got freaky to “Lamborghini Mercy,” but I’m emotionally scarred from it. Please spice things up for the sake of your relationship and for those who live around you that have to constantly listen to your shitty music. Thanks.
Similar to aux privileges in the car, if your girl’s choices do not perform (or allow you to), ban her from playlist duty for the rest of your time together. Or just go back to Netflix..
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