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The Weekly Dump: Turkey Poop Is The Future

turkeys

In 1977, with the help of a little book by prolific author Tarō Gomi, the well-hidden secret that everybody poops was finally revealed to the masses.

Thanks to our declining educational system, I bet you weren’t privy to that important piece of American history. Why, you ask? Personally, I blame the Mormons. But the point is that for too long, shit has been regarded as too taboo for mainstream media coverage. Well, hopefully this ends today with the introduction of a series called The Weekly Dump, a week’s end roundup of the top poop-related stories.

“Hey, fuckface,” you may be yelling at your screen as you read this. “The site’s called Total FRAT Move, not Total SCAT Move.” After recovering from your hypothetical verbal assault, I would respond by posing the following question: what better way to end the stigma against shit-centric content than on the college campus? You’re on the frontlines of information dissemination and have the responsibility to act accordingly, so get proactive. Post The Weekly Dump all over your campus. Email it out to the entire student body. Shit, have a pledge come in to read it aloud at the end of chapter meetings. You’ll be doing the Lord’s work. At the very least, you just might learn something that’ll make you say, “Well, shoot — that’s pretty neat.”

Considering it’s the day before Thanksgiving and all, I’ve decided to treat everyone to an early inaugural edition of The Weekly Dump. So hold on tight to that toilet seat, because it’s about to get really shitty.

Turkey poop a great coal alternative, Israeli study finds

From The Times of Israel:

A new Israeli study shows that turkey excrement may be a major untapped resource in use as a combustible biomass fuel. The study, authored at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, said that this waste fuel could one day replace up to 10 percent of coal used in generating electricity, which would be a positive boon to the environment, not to mention to turkeys.

“Environmentally safe disposal of poultry excrement has become a significant problem,” said the researchers in a statement. “Converting poultry waste to solid fuel, a less resource-intensive, renewable energy source, is an environmentally superior alternative that also reduces reliance on fossil fuels.”

Happy Thanksgiving, indeed! I’m not exactly an expert on all that renewable energy mumbo jumbo, but I know a reliable story when I read one — and I just read one (I think).

Seriously, though, this is some literal next level shit from Israel. In America, we’re over here eating turkeys like a bunch of dummies. Israelis? They’re up in the turkeys’ butts, studying their poop. We could learn a thing or two.

Here’s the scoop on the poop smell in Monday’s air

From Star Tribune:

All across the Twin Cities on Monday, people were checking their shoes, wondering if they’d stepped in something.

Because everyone smelled — let’s just say it — poop.

But the odor wafting through the air wasn’t caused by our furry friends. It came from our farming friends.

This is the time of year when farmers fertilize fields, usually with anhydrous ammonia or plain old manure. And fall’s variable temps can unleash the beastly smells.

“What happens [is], the temperatures dip below freezing and lock in the good stuff, and then if it thaws, the odors and nitrates are released,” said Daniel Dix, a meteorologist with the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency.

The smell spread not just through Minneapolis and St. Paul, but all through the metro area, he said — and undoubtedly was noticed throughout rural Minnesota, Iowa and Wisconsin, where residents are probably more accustomed to it.

“Welcome to Minnesota,” Dix said.

Welcome to Minnesota: where the gophers are golden and the air smells like shit. Only in the Midwest would people actually be accustomed to constant poop smell. Just imagine a kid who lived in rural Minnesota his whole life going off to college in somewhere like Maine.

“Something’s off about this place,” he would write to his parents after his first week away. “It smells… I don’t know, not as much like feces? I don’t like it. Send me home.”

Sucks for the folks in St. Paul and Minneapolis, though. They got out of the sticks to avoid the shit smell, and now recent developments have them feeling like Michael Corleone in The Godfather Part III.

Mount Everest Has A Poop Problem. A Team From Seattle Wants To Clean It Up

From Northwest Public Radio:

Everyone poops, even climbers on the world’s tallest mountain. All that human waste has caused a lot of problems for local villagers near Mount Everest’s base camp.

That’s why a group of Northwest volunteers designed a solar-powered contraption that can turn that 26,000 pounds of human waste each year into energy and fertilizer for the villagers.

Garry Porter is the co-founder of the Mount Everest Biogas Project. He says the system that relies on something called a digester has to work at near-freezing temperatures year-round and at more than 17,000 feet.

More like Mount Evershits, amiright?

[via The Times of Israel, Star Tribune and Northwest Public Radio]

Image via Free Stock Photos

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