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A few weeks ago an esteemed contributor by the name of Boosh posted a column titled Rebutting the Woman Who Doesn’t Do Blow Jobs. In it, he laments another article in which a woman openly admits, “I don’t suck dick.” Understandably, this really rattled Mr. Boosh. A world where women refuse to kiss the cobra must be absolutely terrifying for men everywhere. After reading both his post and her article, I feel the need to weigh in on this issue.
I’m a 45-year-old woman who, for some inexplicable reason, has the mindset of a perverted undergrad horndog. In fact, it was a wonderfully perverted undergrad horndog who turned me onto this website. At my age, sex is totally what drives me. Whether as marital obligation, entertaining pastime, or competitive sport, sex is the shit. As much as I hate the cougar references, I get it. Women my age have the same libido as your average frat boy, making us look like total predators. So the fuck what. Once I began to embrace the fact that it’s okay for me to love sex, I actually discovered something else about myself: I truly adore giving blowjobs. Vaginal sex? Sure. Sounds fun. Eat me out? Please and thank you. But give me the opportunity to deep throat your joystick and I am a very happy girl. Euphoric.
I can’t speak for all women, but somehow most of us know how to make you feel like you are the man. I don’t know if we learned it from Gram Gram or at Sunday school, but as a collective species, we women are good at faking orgasms. And you buy it. I’ve given the “yes, you’re the best ever!” line, thinking for sure you know it’s bullshit, only to hear you bragging about my adulation the next day. And please don’t think I’m making fun of you. The fact is I want you to be proud of your performance. I want you to come away from our dalliance knowing you really are the greatest thing ever to happen to my vagina. After years of honing my craft, I’ve discovered that watching your eyes roll back into your head when I’m swallowing your sword is my absolute favorite part of sex. It’s a huge turn on. Huge.
After years of therapy and wondering why I feel this way, I finally figured out the root (sic) of the issue: power. For me, sex is about power. That’s what gets me off. And not in a dominatrix way — although who doesn’t enjoy a little light bondage? — but in a “Look what I can do! Yay me!” kind of way. While any form of sex is a great source of entertainment, it’s the mighty blowjob that I want to perfect, because it gives me the chance to wield a bit of power and come away from it knowing I made you happy. I’m a giver. And a good deed is it’s own reward — no need to cuddle afterward.
Mr. Boosh mentions his adoration for the little things a woman does when she’s worshipping at his altar, specifically “the way she looks up at you as if she’s seeking recognition of your approval.” Yup. That’s my bliss. Makes me uber wet.
Maybe I’m the only woman who feels this way, but I suspect otherwise.
So, dear frat boys, fret not. If every cute little coed in America boycotts the almighty blowjob, please know that there are myriads of other women who will happily undertake the quest to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of your Tootsie Pop.
And not have to cuddle afterward..
Image via YouTube