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Washington Redskins Defend Mascot By Listing A Filthy, ABSURD Collection Of Other Vulgar Trademarked Names

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This list makes me happy — not for any meaningful reason, really. Watching an NFL franchise fight to the death to defend a name that’s not even that cool is just incredibly entertaining to me. All First Amendment arguments aside, “Washington Redskins” is just not awesome enough of a name to ruin your franchise’s entire reputation over. Now, if we’re talking “Washington Tittyfuckers or “Washington Box Munchers,” I’m all in on the defensive for y’all — but that’s just not the case. Considering the team has finished dead last in their division under the Redskins name for six of the last seven years (RG3’s fluke year thrown in there does lend them at least a little credibility), it could be just the right time to change things up.

The Redskins aren’t trying to, though. Not even a little. They just launched their newest defensive strategy, and it’s by far their best one yet. They’ve dropped their “it’s not offensive” shtick and have switched on over to the sly “you’ve said it was okay for years” and “other people are offensive too and they aren’t getting in trouble” defenses. I respect the latter more, mostly because some of the trademarks they listed to the court have absolutely absurd names.

Here are the trademarks they listed in their appeal:

Hot Octopuss anti-premature ejaculation creams
Ol Geezer wines
Edible Crotchless Gummy Panties lingerie
WTF Work? online forum
MILF Weed bags
Gringo Style Salsa
Make Your Own Dildo
Gringo BBQ
Contemporary Negro
F’d Up
White Trash Rebel
I Love Vagina
White Girl With A Booty
Party With Sluts
Crippled Old Biker Bastards
Dick Balls
Redneck Army apparel
Oh! My Nappy Hair shampoos
Reformed Whores musical band
Whores From Hell musical band
Laughing My Vagina Off entertainment
Nappy Roots records
Booty Call sex aids
Boys Are Stupid
Throw Rocks At Them wallets
Dumb Blonde hair products
Take Yo Panties Off clothing
Dangerous Negro shirts
SlutsSeeker dating services
Dago Swagg clothing
Dumb Blonde beer
Twatty Girl cartoons
Baked By A Negro bakery goods
Big Titty Blend coffee
Retardipedia website
Midget-Man condoms and inflatable sex dolls
Jizz underwear
Thug Porn
Ghetto Booty
Bound Gangbangs
Marijuana For Sale
Capitalism Sucks Donkey Balls
Licensed Serial Killer
Yid Dish
Dirty Whooore Clothing Company
Murder 4 Hire
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Love Is Queer
National Abortion Federation
Pro-Choice America
Abortion Must End Now
Real Feminists Are Still Pro-Life
Dyke Night
F·A·G Fabulous And Gay
Wild Injun
Off-White Trash
Stinky Gringo
Little Indian Giver
Aunt Jemima’s logo
Chiquita’s logo
Uncle Ben’s logo
Cream of Wheat’s logo
Eskimo Joe’s
Red Man
United Negro College Fund
Association for Retarded Citizens
The state of Oklahoma (it means Red People in Choctaw)
Shank the B!t@h board game
Cracka Azz Skateboards
Anal Fantasy Collection
Klitoris sex toys
Omazing sex toys

Not sure how well this list is going to help out the Redskins, but I do know that Hot Octopuss anti-premature ejaculation creams just got a new customer.

[via U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit]

Image via miker /

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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