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WARNING: Fifty Shades of Grey

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Time’s twitter feed today informed that the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James is coming out with a line of lingerie, perfume, and other products targeted at the novels large fan base. I overheard a female friend during the NBA finals last week talking about the book and how she is obsessed with it, but she also said that it was pretty much porn in the form of literature. Today I decided to sit down and do a little research of my own on this new literary craze. During my less than thorough research I found myself diving into the remarkable world of BDSM and the relationship between Feminism and female submission in the bedroom. It was a lot to wrap my mind around but it certainly has me interested in this “literature.” My conclusion, as if it wasn’t hard enough to have a healthy sex life in this day and age, EL James seems to have made it her downright goal to make it impossible.

The story line is this, Christian Grey, a 28 year old successful billionaire sex deviant stallion, who owns a multinational company, gets interviewed by the young virgin Anastasia Steele. Grey is a boss dawg of mythical proportions with mommy issues (his mother appears to have been a crack whore). So while we men cannot match Grey’s financial status, or sexual prowess, we will also never be able to match his magnetic pull on the female gender thanks to the fact that he’s got a “rough past”. Thank You EL James. Well as it turns out, apparently Grey breaks the ice with the classic “Let’s make a sex contract.” No joke. They make a sex contract where Steele signs the rights to her sexual property over to Grey for money. Talk about finding love in a broken place. These two are off to the races with sexcapades that involves knot tying spank sessions, and trips to home depot to buy the duct tape and rope. I know what some of you perverts are thinking, “Dude it’s getting the babes horny and into kinky stuff, it can’t be all bad” Think again, Dude. Sure you may have mastered the French kiss and the one handed bra strap removal but you’re ability to tie a woman into submission with a leather belt will never equate to a lonely 40 something year old woman’s ability to write about it in a sex fantasy novel.

The book started out on a fan-fiction site for the Twilight novels by a writer who’s Internet penname was “Snowqueen Ice Dragon.” While a pen name like that is usually a red flag for me when reading blog entries it went viral in a major fashion. Now every major film production company is fighting over the film rights so they can put Miley Cyrus and Zach Efron in this and target it at the 13-16 year old demographic, and to ensure that our entire youth will spend eternity in hell.

On a serious note. Fellows. BDSM is a dark and dangerous maze. Best case scenario your psychopathic partner black mails you and pictures go viral of you on twitter, most likely though you’ll end up in court with charges ranging from sodomy and sexual assault, to rape. So don’t be the “genius” who decides to capitalize on this 50 shades of grey, sodomy, BDSM bull shit. Stick to your strengths, and weather the storm.

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