The last few years in The Swamp have been rough, and when I say “rough,” I mean really rough. The Gators have been so bad that even Texas fans are glad Muschamp is no longer a coach-in-waiting after bolting to Florida. The man is 0-2 in his coaching career when holding opponents to less than 120 yards. Zero and fucking two–that’s almost as embarrassing as the short selection in Gainesville.
Florida fans have been calling for Muschamp’s firing, and rightfully so. It’s gotten so bad that one disgruntled fan went ahead and did the university a favor by listing the position on Craigslist–and boy, are there some lofty qualifications. You can see the full post here.
A few highlights:
Because UF is a DESTINATION coaching job, applicants must have ALREADY had head coaching experience. This is not a stepping stone job offering OJT or otherwise prepares you for another position in the NFL or other university in the future. If hired, you must be previously groomed to 1) Win consistently, 2) Stay for more than 4 seasons, and 3) have composure when roaming the sidelines. Composure includes but is not limited to 1) not screaming at players & referees regularly, 2) resisting facial expressions suggesting you are ready to commit violent acts on the sideline, 3) not taking personal shots at other fan bases on live tv after barely winning a game you should have lost, and 4) not looking like a deer in the headlights when things go wrong… repeatedly, caused on the field by your own first-teamers.
That’s what we call fire, pal. You ever see Charlie Strong on the sideline? Dude straight-up exudes those first two qualities, and no one is complaining about his job. What’s the point of coaching if you can’t rip into the refs and your inept players frequently?
Must have clean bill of health and agree to all medical screenings, to include the ruling out of any potential chest pains and esophageal spasms.
Whoa! Cheap shot at the guy who won you two Nattys? Not cool, man. Not cool.
Must be able to control his wife, ensuring she doesn’t open her mouth… ever. She’s not on the payroll, you will be.
Not open her mouth…ever? You won’t even let the guy get a blow job while he’s studying film on a Sunday night? Ruthless.
If your last name is Spurrier, you can skip the interview process this time. Seriously. We’re sorry. Very sorry. The job is yours. We’ll help you pack. Name your price. Please come back.
They didn’t mean it, Steve.
One thing is for sure: whoever gets the job better not piss off this guy..
Image via YouTube