I made a sex tape once. I did. It’s true. Me and my then girlfriend filmed ourselves on my phone for like a minute. Mostly just to see what we looked like. In retrospect the extreme low angle shot positioned directly under my balls during doggy style probably wasn’t ideal, in no small part because putting a phone in a cup of rice doesn’t work for — you know what, forget it. We watched the video once and then deleted it, though I’m sure it’s on some NSA hard drive somewhere that would kill itself if it ever became sentient and examined what was stored on it. I hope the government looks it up and uses it to torture terrorists.
I assume, though, that the ideal use of a sex tape is to re-watch for your own enjoyment, or to land a reality TV gig. That’s exactly what Von Miller’s ex-sex partner Elizabeth Ruiz does with the footage she has of Von Miller and her making a PV&Js sandwich. Definitely the former, and maybe the latter too according to a lawsuit Miller has against her.
I’m guessing the sex tape footage looks something like this, by the way, but with a woman involved.
From the NY Post:
Elizabeth Ruiz told TMZ she uses their explicit video to “play with myself” and alleges it was the Broncos star linebacker who prompted her to film the tryst in the first place.
“That night, me and Von ended up having sex in a room. While we were having sex, he was like, ‘We should probably record this,’” Ruiz said. “When I finally gave in, I was like, ‘OK, fine, we’ll record it.’ So I pulled out my phone and we started recording.”
Ruiz said “everything was consensual.”
She later was contacted by Miller, the reigning Super Bowl MVP, who asked her to send him the tape. Ruiz denied his request, she says, because she didn’t want the clip getting out.
“He had recorded clips on his phone as well … I felt like he had enough on his phone,” she said. “He never asked me to delete it. Not once.”
Ruiz claims she “never” tried to extort $2.5 million from Miller, as court docs filed by Miller suggest. She said her attorneys contacted Miller’s team about the existence of the tape.
“They threw out the first number, they said ‘this much,’ and my attorney counter-offered with the $2.5 million,” Ruiz said.
Lawyers for Miller allege Ruiz wants “to be the next Kim Kardashian” and has threatened to sell the X-rated footage. The case is in limbo for the moment: Los Angeles Judge Amy Hogue issued a temporary restraining barring Ruiz from distributing the clip.
“We should probably record this” are definitely not words that should ever be spoken by a person 1) who is famous and doing something private, 2) after midnight, and/or 3) while naked. Granted we don’t know that Miller asked Ruiz to record their bone sesh, but considering that this wouldn’t even register in the top 100 dumb things NFL players have done this year, it’s not out of the question. At some point I think the NFL’s rookie orientation is just going to throw their hands up and be forced to give a 5,000 slide Power Point presentation called, “All of Your Social Instincts Are Wrong” every year.
Slide 1: For the love of God just let her win the argument.
Slide 2: Leave your gun at home.
Slide 3: You are rich, you can afford to order a car.
Slide 4: Your car’s glovebox is not your home, go back inside and put the gun in your home.
Slide 5: Go have an hour long conversation with Richie Incognito and do your best to be the opposite of him.
Slide 6: Cameras are your enemy, including and often especially your own.
Slide 7: Seriously, you are a professional athlete, you do not need to send anyone a picture of your penis to get laid.
Slide 8: Just to take a step back and reiterate our main point real quick, “All of your social instincts are wrong.”
Slide 9: Weed: If you put any effort into not getting caught, you won’t.
Slide 10: WHERE’S YOUR GUN RIGHT NOW DON’T LIE!
And so on.
Good luck, Von!.
[via The NY Post]
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