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All the sweat wicking, body cooling, nipple massaging, aerodynamically cut performance workout gear our athletes wear these days has made them soft, I tell ya. Where are the real men? The men who chew rocks and shit in thorn bushes? Where are the men who hunt and kill their own meals, who will rip off a Grizzly bear’s dick and slap it on a hoagie, or throw a live, pissed off Bobcat into a smoker and eat its moist, juicy, fall-off-the-bone corpse whole 18 hours later? Men who know that the painful scratch of denim against their undercarriages builds character, and that totally ignoring the potential heat stroke one could suffer by exercising in rough, insulating flannel teaches determination?
Two of those men, it turns out, still exist. They’re University of Missouri offensive linemen Evan Boehm and Connor McGovern. And here’s the video of them doing man shit in denim cutoffs and flannel to prove it.
Originally the duo actually had worn full length jeans and buttoned up their shirts, but the clothes couldn’t contain that much man, and most of the denim incinerated spontaneously, while the shirt buttons simply melted.
Excuse me while I go fashion a headband out of Scotchbrite for my next tennis match. Dammit that still doesn’t sound manly. Guess I’ll just have to grunt harder after my groundstrokes. That’ll do it.
In truth, Boehm and McGovern were just putting on the most ridiculous outfits they could think of for the final spring practice of the year, which is themed “Dress Up Day” by the Mizzou Tigers.
Here’s a picture of the entire offensive line unit donning their official (for a day) look.
To be fair, though, those cutoffs do look like they provide some serious agility and flexibility advantages. Don’t rule those out of your regular workout attire, guys..