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Here Are Some Velcro Wallets That I Can’t Promise Will Get You Laid But Let’s Be Honest They Probably Will

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“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you can still whip out your Velcro wallet and let everyone know that doesn’t mean you’re not a baaaaaad man.” – Mother Theresa

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’m Twitter’s largest volume purveyor of pro-Velcro wallet propaganda.

And that’s just a small sampling of what I have to offer. For a larger sampling, check out my “Hot And Ready” Velcro wallet suggestions for those trying to “Live Más” and “Have It Their Way” (I’m still working on coming up with Velcro wallet taglines that aren’t already trademarked by Big Business; give me time).

LEGO Brick Wallet, Multi, One Size

People are freaking out about “blockchain currency” these days. Even if you don’t have any clue what that is or how to acquire some, all you need to do is stick a chain on this Lego block Velcro wallet and you’ll be the king of blockchain swag. Results guaranteed.

Dakine Men’s Vert Rail Wallet, Carbon, One Size

If you didn’t play Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 as a child, this Velcro wallet’s not for you (and neither is this website, for that matter). This Velcro wallet’s for those of you out there who spent hours gapseeking, winning S-K-A-T-E, and finding all those secret tapes. Side note: Tony Hawk’s Underground 1/2 are underrated as hell.

Columbia Men’s RFID Blocking Nylon Trifold Wallet

What Velcro wallet? It doesn’t look like anything to me.

Explorer Men’s Wallet, Black, 3.5 x 5-Inch

This Velcro wallet’s fucking loaded. It has more bells than a Kappa Alpha Order party guest list and more whistles than you’ll get when you’re seen walking around town with it. Truly the Rolls Royce of Velcro wallets, and at a price point that’s hard to beat.

Hempmania Hemp Eight Compartment Tri-fold Wallet – Black – One Size

I’ve been told you can fit upwards of $420 in this badboy, badboy.

Timberland Men’s Nylon Trifold Olive Wallet

Are Timbs still cool? They had a big moment back in ’07 (along with rapper Timbaland), but I haven’t seen much from ’em lately. Therein lies your opportunity: be the man to bring back Timberland like Timbaland brought SexyBack with J.T. It’s your destiny.

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Image via Shutterstock

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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