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Everyone knows the keys to throwing a successful party. You get some girls, you get some guys, you buy a shit ton of alcohol, and fun will be had by all. But apparently in Sin City, a wild night out isn’t complete unless you add a giant douche of a promoter to the mix.
In an email to Jezebel, a woman named Zoe explains she had been planning her friend’s bachelorette party and knew that if she talked to some promoters in Vegas, they would possibly give her a free table or some bottle service for the special occasion.
With one of her friends looking to tie the knot, the gaggle of girls wanted to let loose at the MGM Grand’s Hakkasan, which looks like a club where Skrillex and Calvin Harris would go down on each other after doing a line of blow off of Miley’s ass. To all the readers who will call me a retard because these aren’t current EDM artists (or EDM artists to begin with) to that, I say, frankly, I don’t give a fuck. EDM is a stupid genre made for roided out guidos and people who suck dick for coke. Have you sucked dick for coke? Sorostitutes, no need to reply.
Regardless of the poor choice of venue, Zoe wanted to show the bride a good time, so she reached out to a promoter who worked for Hakkasan to see if they could get some perks. The following exchange took place:
No whales or hippos? You know this guy is a chubby-chasing son of a bitch and is just trying to hide the fact that he likes his girl a little more round by trying to divert attention away from himself. Being the loudest in a room in regards to an issue usually means that person is the most guilty (see: Elliot Spitzer).
Here is the email form Zoe would have had to submit in order to get in:
I’m one of the most shallow people you will ever meet, for no real discernible reason other than I’m just an asshole (and because my ego gets inflated whenever my nana tells me I have a million dollar smile). But even I have limits, and this promoter–who probably got his associate’s in event planning online from The University of Phoenix–has hit it. “Vegas promoter” sounds like the ultimate job for a guy who thinks he’s cool but is actually the biggest loser ever and everyone else knows it but him. He was probably the benchwarmer on the JV football team who shotgunned 10 beers and mooned an old age home on his way to the game just because he claims someone dared him to do it. (No one dared him. The guy just sucks.)
I get it. He wants hot girls in the club to attract dudes so he can make more money. But as a promoter for “THE #1 CLUB IN AMERICA,” he should know that there is usually one fat friend in a group, and if you want nines and tens, you’re going to have to let the less attractive friends in, too. Plus, if you really are the number one club in America, do you really need to keep reminding everyone?
The funny thing is, we don’t even know if there were any ugly girls in the group. All we know is that some creep definitely wanted some stroking material for the night and must not have gotten any matches on Tinder, so he figured this was the next best thing. Zoe, if this guy is your “friend,” I think you need to reevaluate some things.
Images via Instagram and Jezebel