Utah Governor To Declare Porn Public Health Emergency, Should Be Required To Release Browser History

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Governor Gary Herbert is not cool with porn. Dude is putting it right up there with tobacco, calling it an addictive “public health crisis.” He’s even ready to sign some shit that’ll combat the scourge of pornography.

From NBC:

Gov. Gary Herbert is set to sign a resolution passed by the state legislature last month that calls for increased “education, prevention, research, and policy change at the community and societal level” to combat pornography.

“Pornography perpetuates a sexually toxic environment,” the resolution states. “Efforts to prevent pornography exposure and addiction, to educate individuals and families concerning its harms, and to develop recovery programs must be addressed systemically in ways that hold broader influences accountable.”

I agree that porn can be addictive. And watching too much can leave unhealthy expectations in the brain and painful chafe marks on the dick. But a public health crisis? Nah. To see a real public health crisis, just look at an aerial view of Utah:


Get your priorities straight, Gary.

I mean, I guess I’m cool with allocating funds to educate kids about it. I just imagine a fourth grade teacher telling her class, “Now children, remember, never stray from free streaming. Paying for your porn is a very slippery slope. Now who’s ready for recess?”

I do have a problem with the whole porn “prevention” thing, though. That shit’s going on in Britain right now, where clueless prudes at the top are worried about young people having too much anal sex because of porn, deeming it “unwanted” and “unrealistic.” Seriously. The Prime Minister even launched an initiative to make it so porn is blocked from every household unless the internet account holder specifically asks the provider to unblock it. Imagine if that happened in America. Imagine being 14 and having to ask your mom if she can tell the internet company to unblock porn. I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’d just be jacking it to the H&M catalogue until I moved out.

Not only would Gary’s plan be a flagrant disregard for the 1st Amendment, but it also shows how stuck in their old-fashioned ways people in government are. Sure, if you look at too much porn, many women who you actually have a shot at fucking will look less attractive. But I don’t think this is happening on such a massive scale that we need to completely do away with America’s greatest contribution to the art world. What is happening on a large scale is a sort of sexual awakening, where people are trying freakier stuff, figuring out what they like, and learning how to tell their fuck buddies how they like it. We are on the cusp of a sexual awakening. A #Buttstuff revolution. And you know what? That scares the people in charge. They hear about wheelbarrows and pile-drivers and that thing where you shit in a condom and freeze it, and they can’t deal. But instead of shutting porn down, maybe these people should start paying attention. Join us, geezers, in reinventing the sex wheel (probably an actual device, tbh). You’ll be glad you did when you go into nursing homes and start having a shit-ton of sex with all kinds of wrinkly strange.

P.S. Make your browser history public, Gary. Guarantee we’ll find some real freaky shit. The people most against sex stuff are always low-key the most into it. Like homophobes.

[via NBC]

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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