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It’s been a long offseason, boys. Summer classes just don’t provide that kind of juicy content so beloved here at TFM that the first week back to school does. Now that we’re starting to get back into the swing of things, the crazies are coming out of the woodwork once again and it is glorious.
In this particular case on the University of South Florida campus, we appear to have a serial flasher who might also be one hell of a track star.
“The first incident was reported around 6 p.m. Thursday. USF police officers responded to a report of a man exposing himself outside of Juniper Poplar Dining Hall on the east side of campus near Beard Drive, according to a release issued by the University of South Florida Police Department.
Witnesses told USF they saw a white man, possibly in his 30s, wearing a blue T-shirt and gray shorts, the release states. The man had a thin build, with short hair, possibly gray or blonde in color, and wore glasses.
About 9 p.m. someone told USF police a man fitting the same description exposed himself outside the Fresh Foods dining area in the Argos Center. The incident occurred around 8:30 p.m. and was reported approximately 30 minutes later.
At approximately 9:14 p.m., USF police received another call about a white man running naked through the fifth level of the Beard Drive Garage.
Police officers responded to the scene but did not find anyone fitting that description.”
Three hits in one night and still able to get away. Impressive. Clearly, this guy thought he was packing heat, but in reality, he was only armed with a peashooter.
I’ll never understand the joy of hanging brain and running away. What’s your mentality going into that? Obviously you’re a lonely individual. Do you think, “If I show off my glorious schlong for three seconds then all the bitches will love me?” We may never know.
I’m mostly interested in that last incident though. The man is either running to or from his clothes. If he’s running to them that’s great. He must’ve forgotten about them and is trying to get dressed. Good for him. Now, if he’s running from them, then there’s a serious problem. Is it bees? Ants? Ebola? Have his clothes become self-aware? We may never know thanks to campus PD’s slow response.
Anyone with information about the incidents is asked to call the USF Police Department at (813) 974-2628. Or you can call the TFM hotline at (800)-392-6344 and tell Bacon he’s got a bigger vagina than Lena Dunham. The choice is yours..
Image via Shutterstock