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A student at the University of South Carolina is facing up to 20 years in prison for allegedly dousing the food of her roommates with Windex and spit.
Secret surveillance cameras set up by investigators caught the poisoning after 22-year-old Hayley King’s roommates told them that they were suspicious of her activities while they were away from their off-campus house.
The alleged crime was the finale of “multiple altercations” between King and her roommates that occurred in weeks prior.
Let’s break down the scene of the crime — which occurred on February 9 — but wasn’t
brought to light until WIS broke the news on May 1:
8:43 A.M. — We see King commence her plan by opening the fridge, removing the lid to a Tupperware container, letting a few solid loogies rip (she cocks her head back for extra firepower), stirring the contents of the container around, and then coating whatever she missed with the first spray.
8:44 A.M. — King stands in the kitchen with her hands on her hips, reveling in her sweet revenge. That’ll teach Miranda to text my Kevin. Who needs to eat better now, bitch?
8:47 A.M. — King flips off the lights and retreats from the kitchen. At this point, we can only assume that King is rubbing Miranda’s pillow against her bare ass crack. Pink eye for giving me the stink eye.
8:48 A.M. — Our slobbery sorority chick is back — and she’s got the Windex. With furious yet elegant body movements, King sweeps across the kitchen floor, gingerly sprinkling her roommate’s foodstuffs with cleaning detergent like a Fairy God Mother of Death. I’ll give you three wishes: DIE DIE DIE.
8:49 A.M. — She brings the Windex to the fridge, pulls out another container of kale or whole wheat rice or whatever bullshit girls eat, and spices up the presumably flavorless concoction with a zesty kick that only Windex can provide. She rinses and repeats the process on a handful of items. One can feel the rage with which she forces the lid back on each container.
8:50 A.M. — Back to the sink, King Cleaner hits a few more plates of food. Notice how she takes the time to wash a cup, which likely contains a used bag of green tea that Miranda’s grimy ass left behind. Multiple loogies are hocked. She leaves the kitchen again
8:53 A.M. — King returns to the kitchen with her hair in a neat bun and walks right up to the camera capturing her every felonious movement. Oblivious, she gets to work tidying the kitchen.
King has since confessed to the crime, which caused her roommate to fall behind in one of her classes due to both the physical and mental harm inflicted. King was released on a $5,000 bond after the arrest and awaits trial on May 4.
One of King’s home girls texted a roommate telling her to back the fuck up.
“While Hayley is moving out don’t [expletive] with her. Y’all have been [expletive] taunting her since the semester started. If she tells me you’re [expletive] with her I will personally come and check you. You too old to try to be bullying some damn body. Grow the [expletive] up,” a portion of the text message stated.
Now, let’s analyze the harm that befell the roommates King took to the cleaners. It takes two ounces of Windex cleaner to get someone drunk, and 14 ounces to shut down their nervous system, which means that King would have had to dump almost half of the standard 32 ounce spray bottle she appeared to be using in a single container to kill one of her roommates.
At worst, her roommates caught a free buzz. Please, South Carolina judicial system, I know that you guys are historically some of the most incompetent bastards ever to don gowns and slam gavels but don’t take this as grounds to put King away for 20 years. I don’t know if this argument holds up in court, but I doubt she had any idea what she was doing would have such severe repercussions.
My official ruling? 60 hours of community service should clean this girl’s behavior right up. Make her wash dishes somewhere so she can really think about what she’s done..