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USA Gets Shafted In World Cup Draw

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If there’s one thing I love about America other than freedom, capitalism, college ball, BBQ, Kenny Powers, and fake tits, it is our fantastic history of giving the rest of the world the middle finger and doing whatever we want. Well, the rest of the world just gave it back.

The United States just got seeded into the worst group possible for next summer’s World Cup, alongside powerhouse Germany, Crisiano Ronaldo’s Portugal, and Ghana, who we seem to constantly lose to. On top of that, we’re tied for the worst travel schedule over the entire World Cup, having to trek 9,000 miles across third-world Brazil to get from stadium to stadium.


As Americans, this is the first time we’ve thought of Germany since the ’40s and the only time we’ve ever even heard of Portugal or Ghana, much less been intimidated by the trio. Soccer is what it is, but our team truly isn’t bad and the World Cup is a great excuse to throw on America gear and get blacked out while yelling at the television. Hell, we play enough FIFA to at least know what’s going on these days. Now though, it’s going to be one hell of a tough ride, and sports fans nationwide have the chance of being crushed by a sport they didn’t even care about in the first place.

All was not lost in the World Cup Draw, however. Amidst the disappointing results and the incoherent accents, one thing stood true. One thing that can unite all nations together under a common cause.

No, not soccer. The stage girl’s chest beefers:


Image via Sport-It


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I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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