USA Beats France 82-0 In Football Because France Sucks And Their Women Have Hairy Pits

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Americans are better than the French at everything. Outsourcing labor. Not surrendering. Obesity. And, of course, American football.

In the semi-finals of the 2015 IFAF American Football Men’s World Championship, the U.S. dominated France 82-0.

That’s right. 82 to fucking nothing. We straight blitzkrieged their asses. Flattened ’em like crepes. Twisted ‘em up like a French Horn. Sodomized ’em like a bidet. French women have hairy pits.

The U.S. team, which is mainly comprised of college graduates who didn’t get drafted by the NFL, is competing in the tournament alongside teams from Brazil, France, Japan, Mexico, Australia, and South Korea.

Team USA will now advance to the championship game against Japan on Saturday. Our win against France comes on the heels of easy victories over Mexico (30-6) and Japan (43-18).

Physically arousing stats from SB Nation:

Team USA actually slowed down in the second half. They were up 54-0 at halftime, but took a pretty concerted effort to run out the clock in the second half.

USA outgained France 334 to -26 on the ground and 454 to 75 overall.

Two USA running backs — former Iowa State RB Aaron Wimberly and former Texas Tech RB Sadale Foster — outgained France, recording 117 and 81 yards.

Team USA did not punt or kick a field goal, scoring a touchdown on 12 of its 13 possessions (the last ended the game)

If you’re wondering why the final score is 82-0 and not 84-0, it’s because Team USA went for two on its first two touchdowns, failing twice. They stopped once the score got out of hand.

While the competition has been less than fierce, it is important to note that most of the players from other countries have full-time jobs and only practice two times a week – a far cry from a recently-graduated college athlete who has devoted his entire life to the game. It was a classy move on the part of team U.S. to slow down in the second half.

In all honesty, it’s just good to see other countries happy to participate in the greatest game on earth. Hopefully, worldwide football will follow in the footsteps of basketball. At first, other countries couldn’t come close to competing on the court with USA. But as the sport’s popularity spread across the globe, thanks in part to role models like the 1992 “Dream Team,” there are now plenty of nations that can give us a run for our money. So far, our football ambassador efforts have been half-assed, but events like this will help inspire future generations of foreign players.

I know, I know, football is our thing. Why should other countries get a slice of this American pie? But just think about how awesome it would be to watch all the best players in our country pile-drive the world into the ground in an international tournament – or even the Olympics.

Like the internet, nuclear bombs, and fast food, it is time we share the beautiful gift of football with the rest of the world.

[via SB Nation]

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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