Writing satire is not hard. It pretty much takes two things: an understanding of the thing you’re attempting to satirize, and a very elementary understanding of what people find funny. If you have the former but don’t have the latter, you’re the worst kind of interneter there is: a sub-troll. Whereas a troll angers people who don’t understand the troll is only saying what they’re saying to get a rise out of people (example: Why Girls Should Stop Wearing High-Waisted Shorts), a sub-troll attempts to anger people for the sole purpose of making them angry. Trolls and sub-trolls may sound as if they have similar goals, but there is one key difference: if nobody can tell that you’re trolling, you’re a sub-troll. That’s all it takes. To put it simply, a sub-troll is a troll who is neither funny nor good at trolling — and that’s what we have here.
Meet your new least favorite sub-troll ever: this University of Nebraska, Reno fraternity member who offered up his “dating tips” to COED.com (which were denied publication for being terrible but were then hate-published by College Candy:
1. Get to know her past.
Not her deep dark secrets just the simple things like what street she grew up on, the name of her first grade teacher, her pets name, and her mother’s maiden name. Trust me it’ll come in handy later on.
2. Figure out her cycle.
Nothing is worse than having your girlfriend b*tch and moan at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. When a girl starts her period the simplest things like you sneezing or watching a Snapchat out loud make her turn into an insane psycho b*tch. The easiest way to avoid this World War III is to find out which time of the month is hers and then simply AVOID HER FOR THOSE 7 DAYS.
3. Figure out what alcohol makes her cry vs which makes her naked.
Now I’m not really sure why, but each type of alcohol seems to have a different effect on women. Stereotypically vodka makes them blackout, whiskey makes them go crazy, and tequila makes their clothes fall off. Every girl is different though so it’s your job to figure out which drink has which effect on your girl.
4. She can Venmo you after you take her to In-N-Out and it’s okay.
One of the most sexist things in today’s society is that the guy needs to pay for everything. Women constantly talk about how they want equal rights yet they cry whenever you don’t pay for them. 9 times out of 10 in any happy relationship there is an equal amount of spending. Just saying.
5. The cheapest dates are the best dates.
I mean is there really any point in spending $50+ on her? You’re still gonna get laid regardless so just take her to dinner at Chipotle or grab a coffee at Starbucks. She’ll still appreciate it and your wallet will still be full.
6. Statistics say that once you’re dating pulling out is way safer than wearing a condom.
I don’t really have anything to say about this one. Its simple, once you’re dating say goodbye to condoms and hello to unprotected fun. It’s science.
7. It’s okay to pull out only 80% of the time.
If she’s on the pill this number drops to about 50%, but regardless there’s no need to pull out every time. That’s so much energy and in the amount of time that it’s taking you to pull out, you could easily get 3-4 more pumps in. I mean honestly what’s the worst case scenario?
8. Wait until your senior year.
This one is pretty self explainable. Don’t get tied down too early. 18-21 are your golden years my friend. You should be sticking your steel rod into everything with a vagina and making baby yogurt with a different sorority girl every weekend. College only happens once.
That was legitimately painful to read. He had such awful ideas — which is actually fine, as long as you back them up with ideas that are as funny as they are terrible. This guy definitely didn’t do that, though. Not even close. He opted to go the creeper/stalker route with numbers 1-3, the unfunny “I’ve got yer equality right here!” route with #4, the unredeemed “give her the bare minimum” route with #5, two incredibly awful “sex is about a man’s pleasure!” jokes with numbers 6 and 7, and a great “stay away from commitment lol!” as the cherry on top. It’s a slap in the face to trolls everywhere. I’m legitimately angered by this man’s inability to make people mad without making me mad.
You’re allowed to piss people off — just don’t piss off the people you’re actually trying to entertain in the process..
[via College Candy]